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The Off-Topic Lounge

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Re: The Off-Topic Lounge

#26121

Post by nimimerkillinen » January 6th, 2020, 4:42 pm

idk its hard to get back better if hallucinations go on and on strongly and dunno about the med but not impossible that it might not help as much in long run. also not out of the question that hallucinations might lead to more complex reasons to kill oneself - at least in my case

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#26122

Post by Knaldskalle » January 6th, 2020, 7:54 pm

Pretentious Hipster wrote:
January 6th, 2020, 6:24 am
So I've been turning more insane ever since I took a max dose of my mood stabilizer. More hallucinations and maladaptive daydreaming which causes me to talk to people in my dream out loud in real life accidentally. The thing is that this is a rare side effect. The tradeoff is that I havent even felt depressed ever since increasing it. In fact I feel great.

Not sure what's the better scenario. More insane but no suicide attempts, or less insane but will do suicide attempts.
Blech, sounds bad. But, is this really an either-or situation? How about a somewhat lower dose that at least make the hallucinations "less realistic" (or whatever a lower dose will do) while not so low that the suicidal impulses return? A "sweet spot" if you like?
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Please don't hurt yourself, talk to someone.

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#26123

Post by Pretentious Hipster » January 6th, 2020, 8:26 pm

Knaldskalle wrote:
January 6th, 2020, 7:54 pm
Pretentious Hipster wrote:
January 6th, 2020, 6:24 am
So I've been turning more insane ever since I took a max dose of my mood stabilizer. More hallucinations and maladaptive daydreaming which causes me to talk to people in my dream out loud in real life accidentally. The thing is that this is a rare side effect. The tradeoff is that I havent even felt depressed ever since increasing it. In fact I feel great.

Not sure what's the better scenario. More insane but no suicide attempts, or less insane but will do suicide attempts.
Blech, sounds bad. But, is this really an either-or situation? How about a somewhat lower dose that at least make the hallucinations "less realistic" (or whatever a lower dose will do) while not so low that the suicidal impulses return? A "sweet spot" if you like?
This one seems to be the sweet spot at least for the bipolar part. My plan is to keep it at that dose and see if I can still handle the stress of part-time work. If I can after a few months then I'll ask for a slightly lower dose.

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#26124

Post by Lakigigar » January 7th, 2020, 8:26 pm

After six months of hospital admission, i don't think there's any hope for my situation. I'm trying to be optimistic towards everyone else, to cooperate with everyone, to listen to everybody, but i don't dare to say my own opinion outright. I don't want to do voluntary work if it doesn't make me gain something. And i'm not allowed to work because i live from a disability income. My parents just say everything that i'm too much on the pc while i can never find the right time to watch a movie. All i can think off if i have to work again is to cut again... I can quit smoking surely. I can quit drinking soda drinks, surely, but i cannot quit cutting. The pleasure of it is so strong. All my cutting experiences are more powerful than that one time i took xtc, and i love to see the blood glide from my body. It just gives a wonderful feeling. The pain (there is almost no pain) is overwhelmed by euphoria. Pure euphoria. Pure enjoyment. The only thing i can still do. The only thing i can say: "here i'm good at". It's always a stretch not to go deep, but i want to go deep enough to feel enough pleasure but not deep enough to sustain any permanent injuries from it. I wish i was trolling. I wish i was joking, but i'm not.

Last time i cutted myself was three months ago though, but i know i have to back the second i start doing it again. I also have children and people in my neighbourhood because they don't trust me alone anymore. But just thinking and writing about self harm gives me pleasure.

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#26125

Post by Lakigigar » January 7th, 2020, 8:52 pm

On the good side, i finished my studies. I now want to start psychology but i'm not allowed to probably, because i live from a disability income and i might not be able to pay the costs, and my parents prefer me to start in september. But i did finish my studies with ease, surprising ease. I never took them serious, even did my exams while i was in hospital for my psychiatric issues. It was so easy.

I don't feel like i had/have the right treatment. The only thing that changed was that i learnt that i was able to build a social life in a protected environment, and was able to become quite popular. And my fears have decreased, but my fear for working is very high. There is a reason i have a disability income, i'm not capable to work, so let me go, and please shut off that bullshit of voluntary work, and let me who i want to be ffs.

Or i'll pull the trigger and cut myself tomorrow morning when they're away for work.

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#26126

Post by PeacefulAnarchy » January 7th, 2020, 10:51 pm

It's a real shame your parents aren't supportive. Is that how they usually are or is it just a particular hangup about working? Seems pretty crazy to me that they'd be so insistent about having you do something you're uncomfortable with that's not necessary. If they're not usually like this maybe someone else, like a therapist, can talk to them.

It sounds like you've made a lot of progress, even if some of the things you're saying are scaring me, so there's definitely reason to think things can get better if you hang in there.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

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#26127

Post by Carmel1379 » January 7th, 2020, 11:07 pm

Lakigigar, are you in Belgium right now? If you feel like meeting up to chat about whatever, music, films, psychology, then lemme know
t o B e c o n t i n u e d

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#26128

Post by Lakigigar » January 8th, 2020, 10:54 am

thank you for your support. Yes i feel like my parents don't understand me that i'm not ready for work yet. I want to study though, but preferrably starting in september (which should make me the time to watch some films in the meantime). But if i get upstairs, i'm asocial. Downstairs, i can't concentrate on movies because of four children or them talking. I can't watch after they sleep because i get complaints i'm too loud or go to bed too late, or i get complaints that i take my laptop upstairs and that they hear me going upstairs. Like i have never the time to watch a movie and that saddens me.

Sometimes i feel like everything i do is wrong, despite doing my very best. I just want to watch two movies a day preferrably and i'm okay. They expect too much from me. I just have been released from hospital. The chance of relapse is quite high (except for two extremely shallow cuts, i didn't cut), but cutting will inevitably happen again if this continues.

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#26129

Post by nimimerkillinen » January 8th, 2020, 1:26 pm

It might take some more explaining to do and maybe try to tell them more? Not ideal but sometimes people dont understand severity of it. How about watching movies with headphones to soften/cancel sound outside when they sleep? Watching upstairs in part? 30min movie per 30min hanging for example? Are you sure there arent other routes you can get some more finance to study like some sort ofrehabilitation payment? (there is such in finland, dunno if there)

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#26130

Post by Lakigigar » January 8th, 2020, 8:10 pm

I'm looking for solutions, but had a good talk with them, but they need to understand it's my hobby and that i want to invest even more time into it. I went to my other mom for rest, and am able to watch movies here. My foster mom never watches movies or almost never but we agreed to watch apocalypse now together tomorrow (she's a big fan of war movies and i have to see that one), and i took a lot of my dvd's with it, and she chose some movies she wants to see, and she took all the koreeda's and i said like you know that these are japanese LOL. :p She also picked the Kitano and the Coens box to see better, El secreto de sus Ojos, the wailing, the handmaiden, burning, kawaki and reconstruction. But i'm pleased she wants to see so many Koreeda movies. LOL.

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#26131

Post by Lammetje » January 8th, 2020, 9:36 pm

There are many different options when it comes to volunteer work. Have you considered all of them?

Anywho, I wish you all the best, Laki. Stay strong! :hug:
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#26132

Post by mightysparks » January 9th, 2020, 9:01 am

Last semester I made sure to tell my lecturers over and over that I needed to have all my stuff submitted and marked by the end of term so I could get into the next stage this semester. Well, everything was submitted and marked, but I just got a rejection email because one of them didn’t bother to mark me as completed for that unit. Of course I got it right as the office closed so I have to wait until tomorrow to call and try and sort it out. Ugh. If I have to wait 6 months to apply again I’ll scream.
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#26133

Post by Pretentious Hipster » January 13th, 2020, 6:18 pm

The medications tend to only stop one of the extremes. In my case it's the suicidal lows. Yesterday the Canadian winter weather finally started. It is a trigger so my bipolar high started, and it might be almost as bad as when I was on antidepressants. I'm making random faces, imitating a scream that I found to be funny when editing a video of the next game I'm reviewing, standing up every few minutes to dance, and playing with my tongue, etc. Basically I'm acting crazy. The good news is that I don't have the impulses to do weird things or buy tons of stuff.

I think I can put on a mask but I'm definitely going to avoid the public for the next while. I guess this is still an ok trade off for doing suicide attempts?

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#26134

Post by PeacefulAnarchy » January 14th, 2020, 1:50 am

Pretentious Hipster wrote:
January 13th, 2020, 6:18 pm
The medications tend to only stop one of the extremes. In my case it's the suicidal lows. Yesterday the Canadian winter weather finally started. It is a trigger so my bipolar high started, and it might be almost as bad as when I was on antidepressants. I'm making random faces, imitating a scream that I found to be funny when editing a video of the next game I'm reviewing, standing up every few minutes to dance, and playing with my tongue, etc. Basically I'm acting crazy. The good news is that I don't have the impulses to do weird things or buy tons of stuff.

I think I can put on a mask but I'm definitely going to avoid the public for the next while. I guess this is still an ok trade off for doing suicide attempts?
If you're still conscious of doing all that stuff then yeah that sounds better than the opposite, though I'm sure it still sucks.

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#26135

Post by Lakigigar » January 15th, 2020, 5:40 pm

I have now filled in an inscription to apply for university. I'm going to study psychology, but i'm planning on doing only half of subjects of university, and than go full time study in september 2019, because i'm not sure if i can mentally handle this. Philosophy, physiology, differential psychology and societal structures are the subjects i want to follow, but i'm not sure yet about physiology because it looks tough.

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#26136

Post by Pretentious Hipster » January 16th, 2020, 3:54 am

This is getting pathetic. I can't even get dishwasher or grocery store work. The only thing I didn't try was fast food. The employment support program did give some applications out, but it's all for nothing. They say they'd be glad to hire a disabled person... and then they see my resume. Management and white collar work. I removed the white collar work from my resume and it doesn't help. I'm working my ass off on my youtube channel because at this point I seriously think I have a better shot at making money from that than from a "real" job.

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#26137

Post by mightysparks » January 19th, 2020, 11:12 am

Reddit can be really depressing sometimes. Every time I see a post about a relationship where one person is 18/19 and the other is 25-30, all the comments are THE OLDER PERSON IS A MANIPULATIVE PEDOPHILE AND THE YOUNGER PERSON ONLY JUST STOPPED WEARING DIAPERS. I was like that before I met my boyfriend (and still am to a degree, lol, I mean it does look weird on paper I get it), but it's so frustrating to read. He's not a little baby and I'm not a creepy cougar lady :( Not looking forward to next year when I turn 30 and he turns 23, urgh.
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#26138

Post by fori » January 19th, 2020, 11:56 am

I’m in a weird situation like that because even though I’m younger by 5 years, my wife looks like a teenager, so I still get the accusatory looks all the time.

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#26139

Post by Cippenham » January 19th, 2020, 4:12 pm

Pretentious Hipster wrote:
January 16th, 2020, 3:54 am
This is getting pathetic. I can't even get dishwasher or grocery store work. The only thing I didn't try was fast food. The employment support program did give some applications out, but it's all for nothing. They say they'd be glad to hire a disabled person... and then they see my resume. Management and white collar work. I removed the white collar work from my resume and it doesn't help. I'm working my ass off on my youtube channel because at this point I seriously think I have a better shot at making money from that than from a "real" job.
Let us know it some of us might see it. Be positive make it good can be better than a so called real job

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#26140

Post by Pretentious Hipster » January 21st, 2020, 1:28 am

Stuff like 2001, Solaris, (I guess you can count) Ad Astra, and the video game Outer Wilds... they make me realize just how much potential sci-fi can have in terms of philosophical and psychological aspects. With how vast it is it can make you question how significant you or the entire human race is, and pushes the idea of existence even further. When sci-fi works it REALLY works. It's just a shame that 90% of the time they just make sci-fi escapism.

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#26141

Post by metaller » January 22nd, 2020, 7:56 am

Indeed. The best sci-fi for me is analyzing topics of today, but just with some slightly changed parameters to fully get to the core of the topic you want to talk about.

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#26142

Post by Lammetje » January 22nd, 2020, 9:33 pm

Mighty, you wasted your 30,000th post! :(
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#26143

Post by mightysparks » January 22nd, 2020, 11:54 pm

Lammetje wrote:
January 22nd, 2020, 9:33 pm
Mighty, you wasted your 30,000th post! :(
Wasted most of them so it’s ok :P

Got woken up around 5.30 this morning to some loud metallic clanging like pipes. Idk what was happening but I managed to fall back asleep, waking up to it every so often and finally again about 7.30 when I just couldn’t sleep anymore. I have a sore neck from work as well so I had an awful sleep.
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#26144

Post by Pretentious Hipster » January 27th, 2020, 5:29 pm

Well, it happened. Applied to fast food. Got rejected from that. It's actually over.

I did get some interviews, but I think I know what's wrong. They see someone who keeps up his appearance, and is well educated and well spoken. This is someone who knows when he's being exploited and won't fuck around when that does happen (which is true). Either that, or someone who will replace the manager eventually. Not exactly a good employee that will just do everything they say without question.

I didn't believe it when people say it, but it actually might be true. I might be too smart for this kind of work. But, I can't handle the stress and environment of white collar. When my internet broke down I was having really bad hallucinations from the stress of trying to fix it. That is guaranteed to happen if I go back to that environment. I mean, I thought the military thought I was a terrorist suspect and were chasing me at one point during my last job because my bus never arrived.

I did get 9 subscribers in like a week and am almost at 300 on my youtube, so maybe it increases exponentially and I will get paid from it soon.

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#26145

Post by mightysparks » January 28th, 2020, 12:19 am

Before I turned 24, I would get at least interviews from fast food places, after that nothing. I think they just prefer hiring younger people. I have a friend who’s kind of a no nonsense kind of person and has tattoos (entire sleeve on one arm) and face piercings and dyed hair. She has no trouble getting work, but mostly works in bars or doing photography/videography/journalism stuff. She says that people are generally less judgmental about that stuff these days, unless you get an older person doing the interviews.
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#26146

Post by Pretentious Hipster » January 28th, 2020, 12:33 am

I have visible tattoos but I refuse to think that's an issue. One interviewer complemented them, and I worked a suit and tie job dealing with rich seniors while having them.

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#26147

Post by mightysparks » February 3rd, 2020, 10:09 am

Just had the biggest scare in years.. Went to the cinemas, before the film I deposited some money in the ATM, got some lunch at the food court, then saw the film. Did some grocery shopping afterwards and reached in my bag for my wallet... and it wasn’t there. I was freaking out, put my groceries in the car and went to retrace my steps. The guy let me back in the cinema and it was on my seat. I usually put it in my bag so that doesn’t happen* but apparently I forgot. But goddamn I thought i was gonna have a heart attack. I left my mobile phone in a news agency once when I was like 12 (was still there when I got back) and that was the last time I did something stupid like that.

*also after I got pickpocketed (same wallet) when I went to the USA in 2015, I stopped putting my wallet in my pockets - and carrying large amounts of cash. Glad I deposited my boyfriends rent before that or I probably would’ve actually died.
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#26148

Post by Pretentious Hipster » February 6th, 2020, 10:32 pm

Finally got a job yay. A very modest job that averages to 8.75 hours a week, but I think it's the perfect one to get me back on my feet.

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#26149

Post by Onderhond » February 6th, 2020, 10:56 pm

Pretentious Hipster wrote:
January 27th, 2020, 5:29 pm
I did get 9 subscribers in like a week and am almost at 300 on my youtube, so maybe it increases exponentially and I will get paid from it soon.
I've seen what you've been doing on YouTube and it's nice growing an audience, but if stress is a problem for you, do not turn to YouTube for a living. It's a hellhole where just about every nobody-turned-famous ended up quitting with mental health problems. Their ever-changing algorithms and rules make it impossible to build a stable income.

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#26150

Post by Pretentious Hipster » February 6th, 2020, 11:08 pm

Onderhond wrote:
February 6th, 2020, 10:56 pm
Pretentious Hipster wrote:
January 27th, 2020, 5:29 pm
I did get 9 subscribers in like a week and am almost at 300 on my youtube, so maybe it increases exponentially and I will get paid from it soon.
I've seen what you've been doing on YouTube and it's nice growing an audience, but if stress is a problem for you, do not turn to YouTube for a living. It's a hellhole where just about every nobody-turned-famous ended up quitting with mental health problems. Their ever-changing algorithms and rules make it impossible to build a stable income.
I had a bout of thinking it was the only way for me to work as I couldn't even get fast food work. It seems like that's changed with getting that part time job.

The perfect goal for me would be disability + part-time work + youtube for supplementary income. That way it'll keep me motivated to work, but not completely dependent on it.

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#26151

Post by Onderhond » February 7th, 2020, 2:32 pm

Pretentious Hipster wrote:
February 6th, 2020, 11:08 pm
I had a bout of thinking it was the only way for me to work as I couldn't even get fast food work. It seems like that's changed with getting that part time job.

The perfect goal for me would be disability + part-time work + youtube for supplementary income. That way it'll keep me motivated to work, but not completely dependent on it.
Well, that is good to hear, as long as you don't need to rely on the YouTube income. I'm not really into the content creator scene, but I like to read about it and cancel culture, random demonetization, opaque content push algorithms and the pressure to keep on creating more and more content make it an extremely stressful business that most people aren't prepared for (and don't get proper support for).

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#26152

Post by mightysparks » February 8th, 2020, 6:32 am

Pissed off and annoyed and everyone is ignoring me so I can't fix any of these problems. First week of Tafe semester is now over and I've been trying to contact 3 different people/departments for the last 2 weeks and haven't heard a fecking goddamn thing. I've applied for my masters at uni instead, which I didn't want to do for a few more years (if I was going to do it at all) and don't feel quite ready for it, but I'm not wasting another 6 months/year twiddling my thumbs and it's my only option so I can still get my student allowance. My work has changed the email they use to send out job notifications and it's being getting sent to my junk. They told us this a few days ago and I've missed out on nearly 2 weeks of work because of this. However, we have an official work email that I forward to my regular email. Have not accessed the work email in 5 years, don't know the password and the only link I can find in my millions of emails (that has taken me 2 days to find since I never got a response and email search sucks balls) doesn't work anymore and I was never given an updated one. I asked my boss for the link and if I could get my password reset earlier this week. No response, but he did forward me the job notification email. I never received the allocation email because it's still getting sent to junk so I don't know if I'm working next week, I don't know wtf I'm doing this year at all, don't know if anyone's going to bother responding to me. I also only got 4 hours sleep last night because my shoulders were on fire all night from this stupid sunburn and I need to scream.
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#26153

Post by mightysparks » February 18th, 2020, 8:45 am

Everything finally going right for me today..

Never heard back from Tafe, so I applied for my Masters a couple weeks ago. As I applied near closing date for applications, most of the classes were already full. One unit I wanted for next semester was full, so I put it aside. I managed to get a decent timetable, but then the next day I was kicked out of one class which then filled up and I had to move to another day and was a bit grr about it. I've been checking every day just in case..

Today, I checked again and the unit I wanted in semester 2 had a spot open up so I enrolled straight away. Then I checked classes and the class I got kicked from was open again so I immediately swapped back. Ahhhh, so happy. Semester starts Monday :circle:
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#26154

Post by Lilarcor » February 18th, 2020, 9:06 am

Congrats, way to go! B)

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#26155

Post by Pretentious Hipster » February 18th, 2020, 7:16 pm

I literally only worked for 3 months last year, but I got a refund that's a bit more than disability gives me in a month. Turns out if you get on disability the same year as you work you get a big tax bonus for working... Unfortunately it's too early to file, but I'll file it the second I can.

I was planning on moving out to a place with my partner when we have enough money in august/september, but it seriously might be a few months before that because of this.

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funkybusiness
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Post by funkybusiness » February 19th, 2020, 12:23 am

that's real groovy man

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sebby
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Post by sebby » February 19th, 2020, 12:38 am

Meanwhile I owe the IRS like 7k.

SAVEMEBERNIE

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Post by funkybusiness » February 19th, 2020, 1:25 am

no, see sebby, if you were only super rich, you wouldn't owe anything! they'd probably pay you! the way god intended taxes to work!

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Post by GruesomeTwosome » February 19th, 2020, 1:41 am

sebby wrote:
February 19th, 2020, 12:38 am
Meanwhile I owe the IRS like 7k.

SAVEMEBERNIE
Holy shit, man. That’s rough.
I’m to remember every man I've seen fall into a plate of spaghetti???

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Post by funkybusiness » February 19th, 2020, 1:48 am

GruesomeTwosome wrote:
February 19th, 2020, 1:41 am
sebby wrote:
February 19th, 2020, 12:38 am
Meanwhile I owe the IRS like 7k.

SAVEMEBERNIE
Holy shit, man. That’s rough.
absolutely. did you have it done by one of those chain places, sebby? or just like, turbo tax.

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