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The Off-Topic Lounge

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PeacefulAnarchy
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Re: The Off-Topic Lounge

#26001

Post by PeacefulAnarchy » September 21st, 2019, 1:10 am

Lakigigar wrote:
September 20th, 2019, 9:01 pm
They'll probably send me to an ED clinic, as i'm now in a psychiatric hospital (forced admission) for my self-harm. They've observed me, and worked on me, but I didn't get much better, slight improvement of depression and the thoughts of self-harming seems to be gone, but my ED is worsening... I said it was slightly, but others have said me it's very bad right now, and i'll have to be sent to an ED clinic in october (also forced admission).
:hug: Hope things get better. I'd trust others on this since you know you have an eating disorder and you know that skewed self perception is one of the main things that makes it hard to deal with, so if a lot of people are worried then you're probably just not seeing it.

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#26002

Post by Pretentious Hipster » September 22nd, 2019, 12:26 am

Except for the heavy hallucinations (I see surfaces and words waving sometimes), the plush animals, and that I only had acute psychosis after smoking weed, this is practically the perfect description of how it is in my head. Except instead of another voice in my head it still sounds like mine, but it gives me violent and sexual (usually both) thoughts.


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#26003

Post by Knaldskalle » September 22nd, 2019, 3:39 am

XxXApathy420XxX wrote:
September 22nd, 2019, 12:26 am
Except for the heavy hallucinations (I see surfaces and words waving sometimes), the plush animals, and that I only had acute psychosis after smoking weed, this is practically the perfect description of how it is in my head. Except instead of another voice in my head it still sounds like mine, but it gives me violent and sexual (usually both) thoughts.

Thank you for sharing this. I feel like I learned a lot about what you're going through (however superficial my understanding may ultimately be). I found it especially poignant when Daniel said that we had no idea how stressful it was when you couldn't even trust that your thoughts were your own. I'd never thought about it that way.

I know we're just a bunch of "online people", most of whom you don't know in real life, but I hope that we're able, at least to some degree, to also be there for you. I suspect our impact is less than having someone "in the flesh" who can be there for you, but even if it's just a little bit helpful: We care about you and your well-being. We like you. We don't want you to hurt yourself. We want you to be happy, even if you don't think it's possible. Don't give up.
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#26004

Post by mightysparks » September 22nd, 2019, 4:24 am

The ‘not trusting your own thoughts’ thing happened to me with depression as well, and it’s horrible. I would always try to think if what I was thinking was rational or not but sometimes the insane stuff (like suicide etc) does seem rational and you think you’re thinking clearly and it’s really hard to know which thoughts to trust.

:hug:
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#26005

Post by Cippenham » September 22nd, 2019, 3:43 pm

Has anyone read The Power of Positive Thinking, it has worked for Presidents and others including Nixon, Eisenhower and Trump. Well they all ended as President and did not have problems trusting their own thoughts for example. It has certain techniques you can try even if you are not Christian or religious, just try it anyway, what have you got to lose?

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#26006

Post by Pretentious Hipster » September 22nd, 2019, 4:52 pm

Well I don't think those presidents have those illnesses. It's not a negative thing at all. In fact, stuff like positive music actually makes bipolar people feel depressed. It's about the logical vs illogical. Like he said in the video, your logical thinking can still be there, but your brain does everything in its power to fuck with you.

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#26007

Post by Cippenham » September 22nd, 2019, 5:03 pm

Ok just showing I care about you guys, even I would like to help you, a right wing nut as you think me

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#26008

Post by Cippenham » September 22nd, 2019, 6:17 pm

Stephen Fry the uk celebrity is bi polar and is also highly intelligent. He is gay. He recently started walking 8 miles every morning and has lost a lot of weight. He listens to podcasts on the walks to stop boredom. He also stopped eating bread cakes and sugar. He also listens to narrated novels. He says it has improved his mental health.

https://www.motleyhealth.com/celeb/step ... ise-regime

If you guys started this you can review the novels here , to serve a useful purpose.

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#26009

Post by Knaldskalle » September 22nd, 2019, 7:37 pm

I'm not sure it's possible to just transfer what works for one person to another and expect it to work there as well. It may work, but I think the variation between individuals is so great that what helps one may harm another.
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#26010

Post by Cippenham » September 22nd, 2019, 9:57 pm

Well maybe Knaldkalle but maybe someone can try and see if it suits them, it’s about what helps for them, they certainly would have to be someone who is open to trying something like that.

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#26011

Post by Pretentious Hipster » September 22nd, 2019, 10:32 pm

It definitely is trying to find something that helps them as people have their own unique things. In the video I posted his solution was to fidget with a toy, and carry plushie toys with him. Sure that looks weird, but I would rather look weird than become completely unstable. That is one of the reasons why I am focusing so much on my youtube channel. I find that it grounds me, and gives me something to do which is also intellectually stimulating. It's like a full-time job with only the fraction of the stress of other jobs. Now if only I got paid for it. I still am looking for a part-time job anyways so it's not like I'm going to leech off of the government :P

I did find myself practically abandoning films though. I haven't seen a new one in almost 2 months and during that time only had around 10 rewatches. For the past year I did feel like I simply ran out of films to watch when browsing stuff though. I guess all I have left is new releases on KG, or overall new releases.

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#26012

Post by Knaldskalle » September 22nd, 2019, 10:55 pm

Cippenham wrote:
September 22nd, 2019, 9:57 pm
Well maybe Knaldkalle but maybe someone can try and see if it suits them, it’s about what helps for them, they certainly would have to be someone who is open to trying something like that.
Oh yes, it's definitely worth trying. I'm just saying that we shouldn't go "It works for Fry, it'll work for you."
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#26013

Post by mightysparks » September 23rd, 2019, 12:44 am

I had to readjust my thinking, as well as making a lot of lifestyle changes to break away from my depression and PTSD. It’s not easy, it takes time, and it’s not just about going ‘well I’m just going to think positively from now on’, and definitely not a one size fits all. Your hormones and chemicals are out of whack and doing everything they can to make you think/feel/do the bad stuff. And I’ve only experienced depression, I can’t imagine how difficult other mental illnesses are to live with and fight.

I pretty much don’t get depressed at all now though, I haven’t felt that black empty nothing feeling in over a year, but I got lucky that all the generic stuff worked for me (anti-depressants, exercise, eating better). My boyfriend tried anti-depressants and ended up on 5x or 10x times the amount I was taking and it didn’t help him one bit. I still suffer from anxiety though and nothing really seems to help that except weed, though I’ve gone for a walk outside every day for nearly 2 months thanks to Pokémon Go, and often I’d go days without being able to open the front door. Ever since I stopped smoking weed, the anxiety has gotten worse so I’m waiting for it to become legal here and getting me some of that sweet CBD oil.
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#26014

Post by blocho » September 23rd, 2019, 3:47 am

I know this topic is very sensitive, so I'm just going to leave these two links here without comment and let people make of them what they will. If people are interested, I can suggest some further reading. And if people are uninterested or disagree, then I respect and understand that.

https://www.scientificamerican.com/arti ... chemistry/
https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and ... depression

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#26015

Post by Lakigigar » September 23rd, 2019, 10:43 am

I did this test and got a shocking 76%.

eating disorder test

Maybe there is something really wrong with me

65-75% There is strong evidence of an eating disorder. You may be suffering from full-blown bulimia, or you may be in the midst of anorexia. Your answers indicate a high risk for further medical and psychological complications. Please seek a full medical evalutation immediately; counselling is also highly recommended. Your health may be significantly at risk.
Over 75% There is excessive evidence of an eating disorder. It is extremely likely that you have a full-blown eating disorder -- either anorexia, bulimia, or both. Please seek a full medical evalutation IMMEDIATELY. A score in this range indicates DANGER. Your health may be in jeopardy, and psychological functioning may be diminishing.

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#26016

Post by peeptoad » September 23rd, 2019, 3:34 pm

I hope you are getting help and feel better soon, Laki... :(


On another note- this thing is great and fits in perfectly with my Monday morning this week: http://www.pangloss.com/seidel/Shaker/index.html

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#26017

Post by mightysparks » September 24th, 2019, 3:26 am

Last time I saw my grandparents, when my dad yelled at me for not using the new oven, my grandfather made a comment to me that I kind of brushed off but has been on my mind since. It basically implied that I only came over for the free food :/ Idk what I've done to make them think that -- specially since I've been counting calories and gone vegetarian and don't eat most of the food -- but it's made me realise a few other things.

He used to always take me aside and give me $50 for 'being the favourite', and he stopped doing that maybe a year ago but I didn't think anything of it until now. Then, even though I'm the only person in either side of my family to ever graduate university, right before it was time to buy the ticket they were having problems with their legs/surgery and couldn't make it. It stung, but not gonna blame them if they're not well though they regularly attend my cousins' sports games and they don't play competitively or anything. They also mostly use the nickname that my cousins gave my grandfather instead of the one I gave him when I was a toddler. Now I'm wondering if they just cbf with me anymore. I'm not really confrontational so don't want to question it - and if I do they could easily turn it back at me to make me look petty instead so it's not worth it. He also seemed to question if my boyfriend was even real until he asked my dad and brother if they'd met him.

I kind of just want to distance myself from them completely now. I'm trying to think of a way to get out of going there for Christmas but the only real legit excuse I can think of is if I go away with my boyfriend, but I don't really have the money for that and my boyfriend might want to see his family so I don't know what to do. I really don't want to go, and I don't want to be rude to them either.
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#26018

Post by brokenface » September 24th, 2019, 7:18 am

Think you gotta give them benefit of doubt and try to stay on good terms. Grandparents don't stay around forever and you'll regret it later if you fall out with them.

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#26019

Post by mightysparks » September 24th, 2019, 8:02 am

I don't wanna fall out with them, I just want to see them less. I used to love visiting them, now a visit entails getting screamed at at least once by my dad, and getting insulted and ignored by the rest of the family (except my grandmother). Every time I leave, I feel angry and annoyed. I didn't want to go there for last Christmas either, but forced myself, now I don't know why I bother. It used to be my favourite holiday because we'd all go over there, now I just think of ways to get out of it. I've realised they're all extremely negative (a trait that I've also inherited) and I don't really think it's good for me to be around them. I definitely don't enjoy it anymore, and I'm pretty sure no-one's getting enjoyment out of me being there.
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#26020

Post by Pretentious Hipster » September 24th, 2019, 3:28 pm

I had a crisis yesterday and could mention just how dark my thoughts get for anyone who's curious. Will spoiler it because it becomes disturbing.

SpoilerShow
My partner and I cuddled, but then they fell asleep. I didn't wanna move to wake them up, so it was just me and my brain interacting. At first the thoughts said the relationship was going to be this empty because of all the napping and no interactions. I then thought that if this won't fix my life then nothing will. The suicidal thoughts then came in. At first I thought about hanging again, but using the support beam instead of a pull-up bar, and I thought to do it right now. Then I imagined me doing it, and my partner waking up and finding out. They'll put the chair back but I'll move my legs in a way so I won't be able to stand on the chair, so I'll still die. Then I thought that would hurt them too much. They shouldn't suffer. It should be me that suffers. My thoughts then said to go to the bathroom and use the very dull scissors. Stab my left wrist to make a hole, then cut the skin downwards to turn them into flaps. Open up the flaps of skin, cut my nerves to suffer, then cut my arteries to die. I started cringing at my own thoughts.

I then stared at one of my posters to distract myself. I noticed that in the bottom right corner there is a triangle. I started staring at it. Then it got darker in the room and I could no longer see it. I felt like I was turning really crazy and losing touch with reality. I thought I was gonna start having heavy hallucinations too. Out of nowhere, it felt like I was outside naked in a Canadian winter, like that cold. I never shivered so much in my life. I was really freezing. Shaking so bad that it woke my partner and they started panicking cause of how much I was shaking.

I kept thinking that I'm not sick enough for disability, but maybe with thoughts like this when I don't keep my mind active, maybe I really am sick.

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#26021

Post by Cippenham » September 24th, 2019, 3:48 pm

Luckily i was taught many years ago how to have a quiet mind. Not empty but quiet .

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#26022

Post by Cocoa » September 26th, 2019, 1:37 am

Ugh, I'm thinking about applying for a job in another part of the state. I've seen one application posted for a job last Friday in one location and then another by the same company in another location was posted yesterday. Although both have a different manager listed as the contact on the application, so I can probably apply to both locations and a different person would read my materials which increases the chance of me getting an interview and getting hired.

The annoying part is that both places are about ~12 hours away from my current residence and the lease on my apartment doesn't expire until July 2020, so I would need to rent another place if I get the job PLUS pay my current lease until it expires or until I find someone to sublease it to (which is unlikely). Both locations are cheaper to live in than my current city (my current apartment is a studio for $865 plus other utilities add about $100-200 a month depending on the season while I've seen one-bedroom and two-bedroom places advertised for $550 in the other locations), but if I have to buy a car, then any savings would be canceled out AND if I'm still playing on my current apartment then I'm going to be spending a lot of money for potentially ~8 months. The job itself doesn't actually pay that well. It's $45,000 and up dependent on experience (and also insurance and retirement plans benefits), but my experience isn't that many years. I still have student loans to pay off, so I'll definitely be scraping by.

IT'S JUST ANNOYING THAT I HAVE SO MANY MONTHS LEFT ON MY LEASE AND THAT ALL THE PLACES I'M CONSIDERING APPLYING TO ARE NOT CLOSE ENOUGH FOR ME TO CONTINUE LIVING HERE UNTIL THE LEASE IS UP. I can't get a job in my preferred field in this city because all of those requires X years of experience I don't have and/or Spanish fluency which I simply don't know. The amount of jobs for this city I've seen being posted is less than half the amount that were being posted last year, which means it's going to get even harder if I stay here because the recession is a horror story in my field for those seeking entry-level positions.

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#26023

Post by mightysparks » September 26th, 2019, 2:27 am

I’m really not looking forward to looking for full time work with all these horror stories.. that sucks man.

I woke up to my boyfriend gasping for breath again last night. I woke him up and he once again didn’t remember it. I told him he should go to the doctors but he was like nah, I said if it happens again I’m dragging you there. He doesn’t remember anything but it’s terrifying for me. He was like the human body can go 5 minutes without breathing, I’m sure I’ll wake up before then. I said people die from this man, and he was like ‘this little thing?’ Your body literally stops breathing, of course it can happen!
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#26024

Post by Cocoa » September 26th, 2019, 3:14 am

Yeah, it would be wise if your boyfriend sees a doctor about him not breathing while asleep. My grandma has sleep apnea and sleeps with a face mask on (that's plugged into a machine) due to that condition.

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#26025

Post by maxwelldeux » September 26th, 2019, 3:16 am

@Cocoa:

Cross the lease bridge when you get a job - it's been my experience that they'll break a lease with some advanced notice if you get a job in another location. I broke a lease in NC ~6 months early; only had to pay for the 40 days notice they required, of which I wanted to live there most of it.

And as sad as job hunting is, it's a combo of two things: 1) numbers, and 2) who you know. If you know someone at the company or know someone who does, ask for an introduction. I've sent out ~100 job applications in the past year, been a finalist on 4 of them, two of which were referrals (including the one I recently accepted). In fact, I had a friend make an introduction on three positions, and was a finalist on two of them.

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#26026

Post by mightysparks » September 26th, 2019, 3:47 am

I have to apply to 20 jobs a month to get job seekers allowance, but my resume sucks and I've not put any effort into anything I've applied for because I'm going back to full time study next semester and it would be pointless. Probably not surprising I've not heard back from any of the ~150 jobs I've applied for lol. I don't think I'm going to have any better luck when I start looking seriously though.
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#26027

Post by mightysparks » September 26th, 2019, 4:46 am

Boyfriend just sent me this: https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/healt ... c959497ce7

He reckons rest of the Aus will follow suit soon after, so things are looking up for us. Years ago I thought Australia would never pick up the game on internet, gay marriage and weed legalisation and here we are, finally catching up with the rest of the world.
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#26028

Post by sebby » September 26th, 2019, 4:47 am

Cocoa wrote:
September 26th, 2019, 1:37 am
Ugh, I'm thinking about applying for a job in another part of the state. I've seen one application posted for a job last Friday in one location and then another by the same company in another location was posted yesterday. Although both have a different manager listed as the contact on the application, so I can probably apply to both locations and a different person would read my materials which increases the chance of me getting an interview and getting hired.

The annoying part is that both places are about ~12 hours away from my current residence and the lease on my apartment doesn't expire until July 2020, so I would need to rent another place if I get the job PLUS pay my current lease until it expires or until I find someone to sublease it to (which is unlikely). Both locations are cheaper to live in than my current city (my current apartment is a studio for $865 plus other utilities add about $100-200 a month depending on the season while I've seen one-bedroom and two-bedroom places advertised for $550 in the other locations), but if I have to buy a car, then any savings would be canceled out AND if I'm still playing on my current apartment then I'm going to be spending a lot of money for potentially ~8 months. The job itself doesn't actually pay that well. It's $45,000 and up dependent on experience (and also insurance and retirement plans benefits), but my experience isn't that many years. I still have student loans to pay off, so I'll definitely be scraping by.

IT'S JUST ANNOYING THAT I HAVE SO MANY MONTHS LEFT ON MY LEASE AND THAT ALL THE PLACES I'M CONSIDERING APPLYING TO ARE NOT CLOSE ENOUGH FOR ME TO CONTINUE LIVING HERE UNTIL THE LEASE IS UP. I can't get a job in my preferred field in this city because all of those requires X years of experience I don't have and/or Spanish fluency which I simply don't know. The amount of jobs for this city I've seen being posted is less than half the amount that were being posted last year, which means it's going to get even harder if I stay here because the recession is a horror story in my field for those seeking entry-level positions.
Chicago is very pro-tenant for the most part. If there's anything in your lease that isn't being upheld by the landlord, you can break it, no questions asked. For example if s/he allows someone to smoke or have a cat when those things aren't permitted, etc. It's pretty easy to get out of a lease since most landlords are scummy corner-cutters.

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#26029

Post by peeptoad » September 26th, 2019, 12:48 pm

mightysparks wrote:
September 26th, 2019, 2:27 am
I’m really not looking forward to looking for full time work with all these horror stories.. that sucks man.

I woke up to my boyfriend gasping for breath again last night. I woke him up and he once again didn’t remember it. I told him he should go to the doctors but he was like nah, I said if it happens again I’m dragging you there. He doesn’t remember anything but it’s terrifying for me. He was like the human body can go 5 minutes without breathing, I’m sure I’ll wake up before then. I said people die from this man, and he was like ‘this little thing?’ Your body literally stops breathing, of course it can happen!
5 minutes (or even less) when your brain is not receiving oxygen can seriously raise ones risk of a major cardiac event. That's what killed a friend of mine last year who had undiagnosed apnea (think I mentioned that before so ignore if I did). Definitely make sure he goes to the doctor if it happens again! :(

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#26030

Post by mightysparks » September 26th, 2019, 1:54 pm

Yeah you did mention it and it’s one of the reasons I’m more scared about it :( I’m lucky I’m a light sleeper I guess but no idea how many times it’s been quieter and I haven’t woken up. He has none of the other symptoms based on what I’ve read, so this may just be the start. He’s not even 21 yet, too young to have to worry about this kind of stuff.
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#26031

Post by peeptoad » September 26th, 2019, 2:37 pm

Sorry, mighty, didn't mean to make you scared though it's probably good to be somewhat vigilant about it since he can't tell when it's happening... sometimes age isn't a factor. Body shape and type is part of it, regardless of age. My friend who had apnea had a nephew who started snoring like a dying cow at age 5. That's a sign apnea could develop at an older age I think... and his family was full of snorers, so I guess some of it could be genetic.

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#26032

Post by Pretentious Hipster » September 29th, 2019, 5:14 pm

Trying to install windows 98 on a virtual box and it's hell.

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#26033

Post by Cippenham » September 29th, 2019, 6:23 pm

Why do it, windows 98

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#26034

Post by Pretentious Hipster » September 29th, 2019, 7:24 pm

Cippenham wrote:
September 29th, 2019, 6:23 pm
Why do it, windows 98
Trying to play old games and the modern windows couldn't even read the disc. It's actually fun playing with it so far but it was very frustrating to install it.

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#26035

Post by Knaldskalle » September 30th, 2019, 12:42 am

XxXApathy420XxX wrote:
September 29th, 2019, 7:24 pm
Cippenham wrote:
September 29th, 2019, 6:23 pm
Why do it, windows 98
Trying to play old games and the modern windows couldn't even read the disc. It's actually fun playing with it so far but it was very frustrating to install it.
DOSbox? Or does it have to be '98?
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#26036

Post by Pretentious Hipster » September 30th, 2019, 12:44 am

Knaldskalle wrote:
September 30th, 2019, 12:42 am
XxXApathy420XxX wrote:
September 29th, 2019, 7:24 pm
Cippenham wrote:
September 29th, 2019, 6:23 pm
Why do it, windows 98
Trying to play old games and the modern windows couldn't even read the disc. It's actually fun playing with it so far but it was very frustrating to install it.
DOSbox? Or does it have to be '98?
Not 100% sure. It's a game released in 1995, but is in a CD. I managed to start a virtualbox of Windows 98 but it lags quite a bit. Haven't tested the game on there yet. I wanna play a video on there because I know the PERFECT video for it (it might seriously get some attention on twitter), but am having trouble with that now.

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Pretentious Hipster
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#26037

Post by Pretentious Hipster » September 30th, 2019, 4:28 am

I give up. I spent around 12 hours dealing with it today. I got it to work at first but it was so slow that it was useless (it would just completely freeze at startup half the time). I turned hardware virtualization on my bios and it seemed to speed up, but then I would get errors while it was installing the start menu and related aspects of it. I played around with it and got it to work, but then if I tried to install anything like a graphics driver, or an update, it would just turn black, or get the blue screen of death.

This is a bit before my time so might as well this. Can Windows XP support Windows 95 games? If so I'll try that tomorrow. It's just a shame because I had the PERFECT idea. I was planning on playing the music video for Charli XCX's 1999 on windows 98, and posting a screencap of that on my twitter.

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#26038

Post by PeacefulAnarchy » September 30th, 2019, 4:30 am

XxXApathy420XxX wrote:
September 30th, 2019, 4:28 am
This is a bit before my time so might as well this. Can Windows XP support Windows 95 games?
Often, but not always. Depends on the game.

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Post by Knaldskalle » September 30th, 2019, 4:35 am

Windows 7 has a "legacy mode" for old games, but I don't know if it'll work for you.

If you do get it to work at some point, let us know. I have some old games on disc that I might return to one of these days (Tropico, Sid Meyer's Civ II, Warcraft II etc.).
ImageImageImageImage

Please don't hurt yourself, talk to someone.

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#26040

Post by Pretentious Hipster » September 30th, 2019, 1:56 pm

You're welcome to try it. This tutorial is straightforward.



It just looks like it's hardwarw virtulization compatibility issues with my pc. Only other solution I can think of is updating my bios but dunno how much that affects sfuff like that.

I'm gonna try one more thing. Gonna just ibstall the barebones and see if the game works. It will only be 16 bits and its native resolution but with scaling it might be ok. If not I'll try windows xp.

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