Welcome to the ICM Forum. If you have an account but have trouble logging in, or have other questions, see THIS THREAD.
NOTE: Board emails should be working again. Information on forum upgrade and style issues.
Podcast: Talking Images (Episode 22 released November 17th * EXCLUSIVE * We Are Mentioned in a Book!!! Interview with Mary Guillermin on Rapture, JG & More)
ICMForum Manager Cup signup
Polls: Red Planet: Essential Cinema (Results), Western (Results), 2020 (Aug 29th)
Challenges: <400, Korean, Action/Adventure

Getting Healthy: Support and Discussion

Post Reply
User avatar
peeptoad
Posts: 3019
Joined: February 4th, 2017, 7:00 am
Contact:

#1001

Post by peeptoad »

Eva_L wrote: January 11th, 2020, 12:02 pm I got a new Fitbit for Christmas because my old one was being weird, and I was so determined to reach my 10,000 steps/day goal every day in January. I was doing great until Monday, when I fractured my skull because some guy left his car door open in the dark and I smashed into it with my bike... Guess I'll try February instead, because I'm lucky if I get even 1,000 steps in a day now.
Holy crap, you're lucky you weren't injured worse than fracturing your skull. There are a lot of distracted drivers out there for sure ; my boss walked into work one day with his bike in two pieces and one was to blame.
User avatar
sebby
Posts: 6809
Joined: July 4th, 2011, 6:00 am
Contact:

#1002

Post by sebby »

Eva_L wrote: January 11th, 2020, 12:02 pm I got a new Fitbit for Christmas because my old one was being weird, and I was so determined to reach my 10,000 steps/day goal every day in January. I was doing great until Monday, when I fractured my skull because some guy left his car door open in the dark and I smashed into it with my bike... Guess I'll try February instead, because I'm lucky if I get even 1,000 steps in a day now.
Oh shit, feel better :hug:
User avatar
funkybusiness
Donator
Posts: 10902
Joined: January 22nd, 2013, 7:00 am
Contact:

#1003

Post by funkybusiness »

Eva_L wrote: January 11th, 2020, 12:02 pm I got a new Fitbit for Christmas because my old one was being weird, and I was so determined to reach my 10,000 steps/day goal every day in January. I was doing great until Monday, when I fractured my skull because some guy left his car door open in the dark and I smashed into it with my bike... Guess I'll try February instead, because I'm lucky if I get even 1,000 steps in a day now.
woah that's terrible! hope you get better soon!
User avatar
mightysparks
Site Admin
Posts: 31562
Joined: May 5th, 2011, 6:00 am
Location: Perth, WA, Australia
Contact:

#1004

Post by mightysparks »

Eeghhh, that sounds pretty horrible and painful D: Rest up and smash those steps in Feb.
"I do not always know what I want, but I do know what I don't want." - Stanley Kubrick

iCM | IMDb | Letterboxd | LastFM | TSZDT

Image
Eva_L
Posts: 718
Joined: January 4th, 2013, 7:00 am
Contact:

#1005

Post by Eva_L »

Thanks everyone! I feel a little better already, but now the rest of my body is feeling the pain of the fall. I'm sure I'll feel better soon, though.
Cippenham
Donator
Posts: 13460
Joined: May 9th, 2011, 6:00 am
Location: Dorset England
Contact:

#1006

Post by Cippenham »

https://www.theguardian.com/environment ... rew-mayers

How about this as a diet plan, cheap too, reminds me of The Gleaners
User avatar
mightysparks
Site Admin
Posts: 31562
Joined: May 5th, 2011, 6:00 am
Location: Perth, WA, Australia
Contact:

#1007

Post by mightysparks »

I’ve been lazy counting my calories recently and missed a MFP log-in and broke my 636 day streak :'( I’ve also put on 5kg because I’m a snacky fatty and I need to stop.
"I do not always know what I want, but I do know what I don't want." - Stanley Kubrick

iCM | IMDb | Letterboxd | LastFM | TSZDT

Image
User avatar
sebby
Posts: 6809
Joined: July 4th, 2011, 6:00 am
Contact:

#1008

Post by sebby »

I've put on about 10 pounds on covid-quarantine weight in the last 2 and a half weeks. Stress eating and lack of movement. No bikini bod for me this summer.
User avatar
mightysparks
Site Admin
Posts: 31562
Joined: May 5th, 2011, 6:00 am
Location: Perth, WA, Australia
Contact:

#1009

Post by mightysparks »

Luckily we're going into winter and I can hide until I lose it and fit back into my summer clothes..
"I do not always know what I want, but I do know what I don't want." - Stanley Kubrick

iCM | IMDb | Letterboxd | LastFM | TSZDT

Image
User avatar
metaller
Donator
Posts: 2863
Joined: June 17th, 2011, 6:00 am
Contact:

#1010

Post by metaller »

I also gained two kilos in my quarantine. This week I plan on hard calorie counting and going for a run literally every day to get some movement.
User avatar
mightysparks
Site Admin
Posts: 31562
Joined: May 5th, 2011, 6:00 am
Location: Perth, WA, Australia
Contact:

#1011

Post by mightysparks »

I was really struggling to stop eating over my calories.. I was eating like 2400 each day and my TDEE is about 2000 so yea, wasn't good. I've also just felt awful for a while now. Although I've gone for a few runs here and there and I still do my 10k steps every day, I haven't done any regular exercise since like, November? My whole body just aches constantly. I just haven't felt like leaving the house or running. So I decided to go back to what sparked off my weight loss initially—Insanity: Max 30. I've also added a bit of yoga in, following the workout with Yoga With Adriene's 30 Days of Yoga thing.

Today was day 2 of both. Man, day 1 was like my first day 1 two years ago (also started in April, I guess April is my 'start getting healthy' month). Can't believe how much fitness I've lost. I went through the first 10 minutes ok then had to take a break for 2 minutes because I was dizzy. I had to skip the last round of the workout because I felt like I was going to be sick and just had to sit on the floor for 5-10 minutes. The yoga was nice. I have weak little arms and after my workout today, full of push-ups and dips that I couldn't finish, I was shaking trying to do downward dog. Makes me feel nice and relaxed after though, and I noticed I had a lot less pain when I woke up than I usually do after the first day of working out.

Managed to stay around 1500 calories yesterday and we'll see how I go today. I do feel more motivated and less snacky when I'm following an exercise schedule, though. I've added some cheese and a hardboiled egg to my regular breakfast muffin and that also seems to help keep the sugar cravings away.
"I do not always know what I want, but I do know what I don't want." - Stanley Kubrick

iCM | IMDb | Letterboxd | LastFM | TSZDT

Image
User avatar
Lakigigar
Posts: 2123
Joined: October 31st, 2015, 6:00 am
Location: Belgium
Contact:

#1012

Post by Lakigigar »

I try to stay under 2000 kcal a days, i think i have succeeded to do that in the last 7 days, but... i haven't been able to lose a lot of weight, maybe 1 kg. I'm now around 74 kg, finally a bit going down. My length is 6'1, and i'm around a BMI of 21.8, which is higher than it used to be last year. I Always had low weight, around 60 kg, but when i developed bulimia and started cutting, that went rapidly up, and i've never been able to cut on it, except for in hospital while i quickly gained the weight back again. I right now have stopped for a year with bulimic behavior, and i also stopped cutting aside from a few small incidents. So i guess i'm fine... I have an ED history past, but I have healthy weight right now, and while i'm trying to get back to 60 kg, i just fail to do so, and i miss the commitment to lose weight, although i don't gain either so i guess that's good.

At the start of COVID-19 i had my highest weight of all time, around 80 kg (BMI 23.4). I might have to cut more in my food, going below 1500 kcal / day. The good news, i've stopped eating candies and chocolate. I barely have binges right now, which is why i was able to slowly lose weight in the past months.

Image

I should lose 0.8kg a week, and would reach my goal in october.

Highest weight: around 80 kg in february 2020
Lowest weight: 57.6kg in february 2019? which was honestly in an anorexic phase. After february 2019 my anorexic phase evolved into a bulimic phase, and i quickly gained, but really quickly. I went to 75 kg. In hospital, i went to 66kg again. I than gained to 80 kg in the winter of 2019-2020, and i'm now down to 74 kg again.
User avatar
Lakigigar
Posts: 2123
Joined: October 31st, 2015, 6:00 am
Location: Belgium
Contact:

#1013

Post by Lakigigar »

Soon, i'll live alone back again (in two weeks maybe already), so i will have more control over what I eat. I mostly gained at my dad's, while at my mom's i only lose slowly. When i live alone or was hospitalized, i managed to rapidly lose. I remember having a period of where I skipped every meal in two weeks, but had my binges though in hospital.

I know i have an ED or at least have the potential to develop a full one, so i need to pay attention for that, but i'm already thinking it's slowly consuming me … i have some time to act on it, because i know i will only lose more & more weight in the upcoming weeks & months, and i'm already eating weird stuff just to feel full but with few calories.
User avatar
mightysparks
Site Admin
Posts: 31562
Joined: May 5th, 2011, 6:00 am
Location: Perth, WA, Australia
Contact:

#1014

Post by mightysparks »

I'm still struggling to lose the 5kg I put on this year :( Even when I seem to be doing well the weight won't budge, but I'm trying to use the semester break to get serious about it again. I got bored of the workouts I was doing, but I started running and doing Strong Curves again this week and hope to finish the latter program. My boyfriend on the other hand is now 23kg down and only 4kg away from being 'overweight' instead of 'obese'. He also quit smoking weed a few weeks ago and is overall doing really well so I just look forward to his weekly weigh-ins and watching his body shrink even if mine doesn't want to.
"I do not always know what I want, but I do know what I don't want." - Stanley Kubrick

iCM | IMDb | Letterboxd | LastFM | TSZDT

Image
User avatar
Lakigigar
Posts: 2123
Joined: October 31st, 2015, 6:00 am
Location: Belgium
Contact:

#1015

Post by Lakigigar »

74.2kg. I'm on schedule!
User avatar
mightysparks
Site Admin
Posts: 31562
Joined: May 5th, 2011, 6:00 am
Location: Perth, WA, Australia
Contact:

#1016

Post by mightysparks »

Two Monday’s ago I was at 67.9, last Thursday I was down to 66.5. I had two slightly bad eating days and today I’m back at 67.7. So fecking frustrating, I can’t eat over by 300 calories or I put on a goddamn kg seriously??
"I do not always know what I want, but I do know what I don't want." - Stanley Kubrick

iCM | IMDb | Letterboxd | LastFM | TSZDT

Image
User avatar
peeptoad
Posts: 3019
Joined: February 4th, 2017, 7:00 am
Contact:

#1017

Post by peeptoad »

^ maybe due to water retention (if you were eating more carbs)? I recently cut way down on carbs and I almost immediately (like after only 3 days) noticed all my clothing was suddenly way looser on me. I don't weigh myself normally, so no idea if my actual weight is different, but for it to happen that fast I think it was prob retained water.
User avatar
mightysparks
Site Admin
Posts: 31562
Joined: May 5th, 2011, 6:00 am
Location: Perth, WA, Australia
Contact:

#1018

Post by mightysparks »

Yeah, I had one glass of vodka and coke for two nights so I suspect it's because of that but still really irritating.
"I do not always know what I want, but I do know what I don't want." - Stanley Kubrick

iCM | IMDb | Letterboxd | LastFM | TSZDT

Image
User avatar
mightysparks
Site Admin
Posts: 31562
Joined: May 5th, 2011, 6:00 am
Location: Perth, WA, Australia
Contact:

#1019

Post by mightysparks »

So, I decided to stop weighing myself daily because it was getting annoying (and depressing :P). I kept failing after a few days every time I started trying to lose weight again. I started watching my calories and doing IF again on Monday. I didn't buy myself any snacks except fruit and nuts (and gherkins, because I'm randomly addicted to them at the moment) so I don't even have the choice to binge. My boyfriend weighs himself every Wednesday so I decided to do that as well and weighed myself this morning.. 70.4kg (D:) My lowest weight was 62.1 on the 3rd December 2019, so in nearly 9 months I've put on 8kg :( I feel so fat and gross and a lot of my clothes haven't fit for a while lol. I find I only ever feel the fatness when I put it back on after losing so even though I'm still down ~26kg from my highest I feel like I might as well be obese again. At 72kg I'd be overweight again so this has to stop now. I'd like to hit 60kg by the end of the year, but I'll be happy if I can get back to my lowest.
"I do not always know what I want, but I do know what I don't want." - Stanley Kubrick

iCM | IMDb | Letterboxd | LastFM | TSZDT

Image
User avatar
Lakigigar
Posts: 2123
Joined: October 31st, 2015, 6:00 am
Location: Belgium
Contact:

#1020

Post by Lakigigar »

Image

Lost 2 kg in a long period. Lost 7-8 kg this year. Hope to lose a lot more weight.
User avatar
Pretentious Hipster
Donator
Posts: 21441
Joined: October 24th, 2011, 6:00 am
Contact:

#1021

Post by Pretentious Hipster »

Dude 71 kg for your height is already too small go to a fucking doctor
User avatar
mightysparks
Site Admin
Posts: 31562
Joined: May 5th, 2011, 6:00 am
Location: Perth, WA, Australia
Contact:

#1022

Post by mightysparks »

Today marked my 2 year anniversary of getting 10k steps every day. I can’t believe I’ve been doing it for this long, but I’m determined to keep my streak for as long as possible.

Also since my last post I am down 2.5kg which is the most I’ve managed to lose all year so yay.

And please eat, Laki :(
"I do not always know what I want, but I do know what I don't want." - Stanley Kubrick

iCM | IMDb | Letterboxd | LastFM | TSZDT

Image
User avatar
PeacefulAnarchy
Moderator
Posts: 26022
Joined: May 8th, 2011, 6:00 am
Contact:

#1023

Post by PeacefulAnarchy »

Lakigigar wrote: June 27th, 2020, 7:35 pm Soon, i'll live alone back again (in two weeks maybe already), so i will have more control over what I eat. I mostly gained at my dad's, while at my mom's i only lose slowly. When i live alone or was hospitalized, i managed to rapidly lose. I remember having a period of where I skipped every meal in two weeks, but had my binges though in hospital.

I know i have an ED or at least have the potential to develop a full one, so i need to pay attention for that, but i'm already thinking it's slowly consuming me … i have some time to act on it, because i know i will only lose more & more weight in the upcoming weeks & months, and i'm already eating weird stuff just to feel full but with few calories.
Please stop hurting yourself :(
User avatar
sebby
Posts: 6809
Joined: July 4th, 2011, 6:00 am
Contact:

#1024

Post by sebby »

sebby wrote: March 31st, 2020, 12:59 am I've put on about 10 pounds on covid-quarantine weight in the last 2 and a half weeks. Stress eating and lack of movement. No bikini bod for me this summer.
Update: I've put on another 10-15 since this post. I think half of it came in the week+ period I was shut inside my apt due to the toxic air that was consuming the city. More stress eating and lack of movement. If you're gonna be stuck inside for that long, it doubly sucks if you live in a small little studio apartment. When I was younger I could just make incremental changes and the weight would fly off, but I've noticed that I've lost that superpower in recent years. Obviously can't join a gym due to the pandemic. Maybe I'll just go full old school polak and replace one meal a day with a cup of soup and a potato and see what happens :shrug:
User avatar
tirefeet
Posts: 1711
Joined: November 28th, 2012, 7:00 am
Contact:

#1025

Post by tirefeet »

sebby wrote: September 26th, 2020, 10:43 pm Maybe I'll just go full old school polak and replace one meal a day with a cup of soup and a potato and see what happens :shrug:
Isn't that kiełbasa and Zubrówka along with crap ton of pork variety :sarcasm: Sucks that bad air keeps you away from staying outside. Maybe if you have weights around, you can work with them? If not, plain squats would be plenty of help.
User avatar
sebby
Posts: 6809
Joined: July 4th, 2011, 6:00 am
Contact:

#1026

Post by sebby »

tirefeet wrote: September 27th, 2020, 8:29 am
sebby wrote: September 26th, 2020, 10:43 pm Maybe I'll just go full old school polak and replace one meal a day with a cup of soup and a potato and see what happens :shrug:
Isn't that kiełbasa and Zubrówka along with crap ton of pork variety :sarcasm: Sucks that bad air keeps you away from staying outside. Maybe if you have weights around, you can work with them? If not, plain squats would be plenty of help.
Ah Zubrowka. I've never tasted another vodka that didn't smack of rubbing alcohol. What wonderful stuff.

Being vegan the dried meats and whathaveyou are off the table. So just potatoes and pierogi and beet soup and what not.

The air has cleared up so I'm able to at least go outside now. Buying weights would be nice but they're a little too pricey. I've had my work hours cut due to covid so I've had to become a bit cheap. Ordinarily I'd buy some used dumbbells, but again, covid. Don't feel too comfortable buying used gym equipment from some random dude off craigslist.

Will have to rely mostly on dietary changes. Comfort food has to go. I have enough room to do push-ups and maybe some yoga, so I will try to incorporate that as well.
User avatar
nimimerkillinen
Posts: 2365
Joined: December 30th, 2011, 7:00 am
Location: Vantaa, Finland
Contact:

#1027

Post by nimimerkillinen »

PeacefulAnarchy wrote: September 26th, 2020, 8:03 pm
Lakigigar wrote: June 27th, 2020, 7:35 pm Soon, i'll live alone back again (in two weeks maybe already), so i will have more control over what I eat. I mostly gained at my dad's, while at my mom's i only lose slowly. When i live alone or was hospitalized, i managed to rapidly lose. I remember having a period of where I skipped every meal in two weeks, but had my binges though in hospital.

I know i have an ED or at least have the potential to develop a full one, so i need to pay attention for that, but i'm already thinking it's slowly consuming me … i have some time to act on it, because i know i will only lose more & more weight in the upcoming weeks & months, and i'm already eating weird stuff just to feel full but with few calories.
Please stop hurting yourself :(
User avatar
nimimerkillinen
Posts: 2365
Joined: December 30th, 2011, 7:00 am
Location: Vantaa, Finland
Contact:

#1028

Post by nimimerkillinen »

Ive been back to over 100 kg for a couple of years. Getting down to 101-102 area with moderate caffeine but my head isnt taking it too well which is too bad. Started to walk again and log with Pacer app but should be more consistant and only do 30min walks or so since my mind starts to race too much and i get lost in thoughts and breath cant keep up at all
User avatar
mightysparks
Site Admin
Posts: 31562
Joined: May 5th, 2011, 6:00 am
Location: Perth, WA, Australia
Contact:

#1029

Post by mightysparks »

There’s a new gym opening up ‘downstairs’ from me (2 minute walk) at the end of next month. I’ve been wanting to join a gym for a while so this seems like a perfect opportunity. Thinking about trying all the classes and seeing if I like any instead of just going in the middle of the night and avoiding all humans. There’s a barbell class which I’m interested in so I can learn better form. I haven’t joined yet because there’s a typo on their registration page and it’s triggering me, so I’m waiting until they fix it/open the gym :P
"I do not always know what I want, but I do know what I don't want." - Stanley Kubrick

iCM | IMDb | Letterboxd | LastFM | TSZDT

Image
User avatar
Lammetje
Donator
Posts: 4350
Joined: October 4th, 2013, 6:00 am
Location: Poland
Contact:

#1030

Post by Lammetje »

mightysparks wrote: October 22nd, 2020, 9:15 pm I haven’t joined yet because there’s a typo on their registration page and it’s triggering me, so I’m waiting until they fix it/open the gym :P
I'm proud of you. (l)
iCM | IMDb | Last.fm | Listal

Image
OldAle1 wrote:I think four Aamir Khan films is enough for me. Unless I'm down to one film left on the IMDb Top 250 at some point and he's in that last film, at which point I'll watch it and then shoot myself having become the official-check-whoring person I hate.
More memorable quotes
PeacefulAnarchy wrote:Active topics is the devil. Please use the forums and subforums as intended and peruse all the topics nicely sorted by topic, not just the currently popular ones displayed in a jumbled mess.
maxwelldeux wrote:If you asked me to kill my wife and pets OR watch Minions, I'd check the runtime and inquire about sobriety requirements before providing an answer.
Torgo wrote:Lammetje is some kind of hybrid Anna-Kendrick-lamb-entity to me and I find that very cool.
monty wrote:If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen. iCM ain't for sissies.
mightysparks wrote:ARGH. RARGH. RARGH. DIE.
Kowry wrote:Thanks, Art Garfunky.
Rich wrote:*runs*
User avatar
Lakigigar
Posts: 2123
Joined: October 31st, 2015, 6:00 am
Location: Belgium
Contact:

#1031

Post by Lakigigar »

Lakigigar wrote: July 5th, 2020, 10:24 pm 74.2kg. I'm on schedule!
62 kg now (perhaps including water weight), Lost 20 kg in 10 months, Lost 9 kg in 4 months, 5 kg in the last month (despite christmas & new year's). I stopped abruptly medication in september, and since than the pace of losing weight went up. Anxiety & stress is another reason (insane amount last weeks). An LSD trip early this year made me lose 3kg alone (because i didn't eat during that trip and almost nothing the day after)

BMI: 18,1
User avatar
Lammetje
Donator
Posts: 4350
Joined: October 4th, 2013, 6:00 am
Location: Poland
Contact:

#1032

Post by Lammetje »

Lakigigar wrote: January 14th, 2021, 5:20 pm BMI: 18,1
You ought to crank that number back up a little bit.
iCM | IMDb | Last.fm | Listal

Image
OldAle1 wrote:I think four Aamir Khan films is enough for me. Unless I'm down to one film left on the IMDb Top 250 at some point and he's in that last film, at which point I'll watch it and then shoot myself having become the official-check-whoring person I hate.
More memorable quotes
PeacefulAnarchy wrote:Active topics is the devil. Please use the forums and subforums as intended and peruse all the topics nicely sorted by topic, not just the currently popular ones displayed in a jumbled mess.
maxwelldeux wrote:If you asked me to kill my wife and pets OR watch Minions, I'd check the runtime and inquire about sobriety requirements before providing an answer.
Torgo wrote:Lammetje is some kind of hybrid Anna-Kendrick-lamb-entity to me and I find that very cool.
monty wrote:If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen. iCM ain't for sissies.
mightysparks wrote:ARGH. RARGH. RARGH. DIE.
Kowry wrote:Thanks, Art Garfunky.
Rich wrote:*runs*
User avatar
metaller
Donator
Posts: 2863
Joined: June 17th, 2011, 6:00 am
Contact:

#1033

Post by metaller »

Since my gf moved in with me and I started to do study for a bachelors beside my full time job, I didn't have time for so much sports and we tend to eat bigger meals (since it's more fun cooking for two than for one).

So I'm back up to nearly 70 kg.

I have to reverse that trend. Back at the start of the year there was a hint of abs, now there is only fat again...
User avatar
mightysparks
Site Admin
Posts: 31562
Joined: May 5th, 2011, 6:00 am
Location: Perth, WA, Australia
Contact:

#1034

Post by mightysparks »

I've put on about 10kg since my lowest in December 2019. Over the last year I've tried on and off to lose the weight but I haven't been able to stick to anything or the weight hasn't dropped over a few weeks of trying and then I've given up. For the last month I've been tracking all my food, exercising every day, eating under maintenance... and today I'm .3kg heavier than I was when I started (measurements more or less the same too). I'm borderline overweight at the moment and I can barely fit into a small so most of my clothes don't fit now :( No idea why the hell I can't re-lose the weight because I'm doing the same thing I did before and it's so frustrating.
"I do not always know what I want, but I do know what I don't want." - Stanley Kubrick

iCM | IMDb | Letterboxd | LastFM | TSZDT

Image
matthewscott8
Donator
Posts: 2162
Joined: May 13th, 2015, 6:00 am
Contact:

#1035

Post by matthewscott8 »

In light of some posts, maybe it's worth naming this forum "achieving weight wellbeing" or "the route to a healthy BMI" or something like that. Also my understanding is telling people who are deliberately losing weight to an unhealthy level to eat more is counterproductive, many anorexic and bulimics are damaging their bodies as a symbolic protest, it's their way of exerting control in a world where they feel powerless, so continuning to self harm after you've told them not to counts as a win for them.

I am very overweight at the moment, but lost a stone and a half since July.
User avatar
PeacefulAnarchy
Moderator
Posts: 26022
Joined: May 8th, 2011, 6:00 am
Contact:

#1036

Post by PeacefulAnarchy »

Good idea.
User avatar
Lakigigar
Posts: 2123
Joined: October 31st, 2015, 6:00 am
Location: Belgium
Contact:

#1037

Post by Lakigigar »

matthewscott8 wrote: January 17th, 2021, 1:13 pm Also my understanding is telling people who are deliberately losing weight to an unhealthy level to eat more is counterproductive, many anorexic and bulimics are damaging their bodies as a symbolic protest, it's their way of exerting control in a world where they feel powerless, so continuning to self harm after you've told them not to counts as a win for them.
I don't think it's counterproductive. It just seems like it has no effect. But it's not that it damages me further or motivates me to lose weight.

I'm really unsure what's happening right now. I felt like the scale doesn't seem right or gave an error because I found it hard to believe I lost weight. I measured my weight only every month in late 2020, so everytime i stepped on the scale, i lost like 2-3 kg, sometimes more. Because I still have a reading of 75.5 kg in the beginning or middle of october (i did gain a bit back), i'm shocked how much weight i did lose.

Because I focused less on weight loss than ever before. I felt very unhappy, thought I would be fat forever and i gave up on stepping on the scale for every day. I actually thought I was living healthy, and that all of that was over, and I now lost 13kg in that time span (3.5 months, perhaps only 3). So of course, you'd think the scale is wrong, because I still felt fat (around my belly). People still don't think i'm skinny, because actually I did ask them and they said no.

What did change than? I binge way less frequently than before. I can't remember my last binge. I just don't binge, feeling unsafe when I eat something. I can't eat fastfood. I stopped eating in the evening during most of the time. I stopped taking medication without the consult of a doctor. I only drink drinks which have zero carolies (diet coke or water). I don't feel hungry anymore so frequently before, but i drink like 4 litres of water and diet coke everyday, probably much more during some days, which helps me keep full and which i do obsessively now just to not feel hungry, or binge at any time. I wasn't very conscious of my new habits, but they must have enabled sharp weight loss.

I eat a lot in the afternoon. It's when i'm allowed to binge. Like i can eat whatever I want. I likely won't gain. Other people cook for me, so I have no control over what I eat, but I usually eat everything I get and what I want. Sometimes it's a lot, and sometimes it's not a lot, like two cups of vegetables soup last friday or what I ate saturday and that was all i ate on an entire day.

When I go to my parents (dad and step mom), i eat an insane amount food. When there is a BBQ, i sometimes eat up to 10 pieces of meat. Or sometime during autumn, i ate 7 schnitzels. It's because I LOVE FOOD and because I LOVE EATING. And because my biggest hate is throwing food away in the bin, so what do i do i eat everything not just until i'm full or i feel nauseated but i keep eating over that point (if food is available). I don't know when to stop. I hate it. Two years ago, i went through a period of purging up to 5 times a day through self-induced vomiting, it legitimized binging or eating and i quickly gained, so i stopped after a few months, aside of occasional purging. I cutted myself as well during that period. At first, they were baby cuts, but i liked the feeling, and i went further and further with sharper blades. I mean this was a period of 6 months were I cutted heavily and deeply every week. At multiple times, i hitted an arterie. I severed the brachial arterie 3 times at least. Yes, the brachial arterie in the left arm. I still am unsure how i did that, but usually people don't get to that point. But I did cut quite deep. Those wounds were horrible. Absolutely horrible. I'm amazed and shocked i did that. I will never believe it. I've never seen so much blood in my life aside of a scene in The Shining and in Why Don't You Go To Hell. I was usually in a trance-state when I cutted (no drug comes close to what I feel), and during the first time I severed an arterie, i refused to call emergency services, felt unconscious on the ground (hitted my head on a bookcase), and I woke up six hours later.

I am unsure how I suffered minimal damage at my arms (aside of enormous scars) but everything still works fine. But more importantly, how i'm not dead. I think part of the reason, i cutted three times partially the arterie and not entirely, but i'm convinced the first time must have been a near death experience. The arterie recovered when i was unconscious. I thought i was dying, and i lost 2-3 litres of blood. I think when taken jnto hospital, i had extremely low blood pressure and heart rate, and didn't leave my bed for two weeks simply because i had no energy and it was told to me my body had to create new blood and that it would take weeks. The weird thing is: i never intended to end my life. It just happened. But fine, most importantly i haven't cut since september and i've never been free of self-harm for so long. Although one psychologist told me that i do not have an ED but i don't fake it either, but that this is how i self-harm in childhood: by literally starving my body and depriving it of food for prolonged periods of time.

I do think i might have an ED but it's probably binge-eating disorder and not anorexia / bulimia. I have it for a very long time. When I was a baby, my mom treated me as a dog, because I wasn't a girl and not a boy, giving me dog food, tying me around a chair with a rope, hitting me, sexual abuse, sleeping on the ground because I would wet the bed or seats (her dogs however were allowed to do that), not teaching anything until the age of 4 and a half when I still couldn't speak a single word. A kindergarten teacher discovered all my scars, bruises and go on when refreshing my diaper. After that, i went to some kind of orphanage. In that orphanage there was little food for everyone, so i think that's why I eat so extremely fast. Because I was scared they would take it away from me. My dad went to a restaurant to me and we got 5kg of mussles each, which was a mistake he said by the ober or whatever. What he saw next is something he has never seen in his life. I ate literally all of it.

My body is used from prolonged periods of fasting combined with extremely large meals. I was conditioned to eat like this. During my childhood years, i could everything without gaining. During my teenager years, problems started again when i frequently skipped meals. For one, i never ate breakfast but I hated the crowds in the dining room of school, coupled with anxiety of not finding a spot to sit. I had the idea to skip eating. At home, i sometimes ate but never something cooked, and often small. During night, i woke up to eat whatever i could find in the fridge, leading to heated discussions with my foster parents. Sometimes i had prolonged fasts. At school, there were a lot of rumours i had an eating disorder. Other people spread it. I was known as the guy with an ed (however i was quite popular but not in every school).

It never got discovered. These were sometimes halted by periods of normal eating, but when I lived on my own, i had continously low weight, with long periods of no eating and huge binges, which made me maintain a bmi of 16-17-18 but what I ate was very unhealthy and rich in calories, sometimes living entirely on chocolate and stuff like that, probably triggering a full blown ED slowly only at this point.

I'm getting back to such a weight, but the difference is i don't binge, except when i allow myself to eat which is around 11.30am but nothing, literally nothing at every other hour, and it makes me lose a brick. I can't eat anymore, because i'm no longer sure if i'm skinny, normal, fat, skinny fat and have problems trusting my scale, because eating reminds me of my disgusting binges and purging. Because my mind doesn't know when i'm hungry and full. I lost that feeling. I mean people jokingly said i had no talents, except that i would destroy everyone in eating contests, and they might be right.

People don't notice that i'm skinny (and i'm not sure if i'm) because i don't trust the scale and feel nothing changed. I don't notice a difference when i look at my body and my clothes still fit perfectly fine (though perhaps indeed they seem wide but they might always have been). When they think about me, they'll picture the guy who eats a lot.

I sometimes get comments by co-housing members that all i live for is eating... which do hurt me. I have thought about skipping those meals as well, just to avoid such deragotary comments. Nobody seemed to have noticed weight loss at me, so far, which strengthened my doubts about that scale.
User avatar
Lakigigar
Posts: 2123
Joined: October 31st, 2015, 6:00 am
Location: Belgium
Contact:

#1038

Post by Lakigigar »

and that sexual abuse. All i'm saying is that it was Srpski film - level of horror, the reason why i'm asexual and why i'm more feminine and might be a transgender (or already am, who knows).

I think honestly it will never be fixed, and that it is hopeless. If i have truly an ED, i hope to die of it, so it would end my suffering (without committing suicide). I was for 9-10 months in a psychiatry and it didn't fix anything. Perhaps, how I live now is the best I can get of my life, becoming very knowledgeable in movies, games and music, and ignoring everything else. Living for my music, like now. (COVID-19 didn't make things easier). I'm very isolated and live like a bohemian, and i prefer it to keep it that way, because when I try to change, i quickly burn out.

I even had a nasty fight on christmas with my step mom over an eating dispute (she claimed by gluttony comes from my ASS, while that of her foster child comes from child abuse, claiming i wasn't abused, my dad corrected her, but it evolved into a huge fight). She also threw my 10 year brother in a swimming pool with clothes on when it was cold. She corrected my and my brothers/sisters for our behavior, causing a terrible christmas for her... I left, because i had the urge to take a bottle of wine and smash it on her head until she was dead... and i'd probably do it if it was legal. I left early and wanted to leave earlier. I was very angry (and i'm rarily angry). It's why i'm not going to my dad anymore, and have no money, because she supplies me with money from my own bank account. I have no debts, and could block my debit card because i could claim it was stolen, but she would start a lawsuit if i did that with her defence i'm not able to control my own money.

In september, i went to a psychologist who would treat my ED, but she suggested there was no way I had ASS, because I understood very social cues very good, and the way i talked, saying i suffer from complex PTSD. An anonymous help desk for eating disorders directed me to her, claiming she was specialized for it. My step mom claimed she was a fraud, and didn't give me money to go to her. She called her, had a fight, saying she was a bitch and a fraud...

I'm not always going to take a first step. In psychiatry, they said they couldn't treat me for an ED, but only for addictions (mine was self-harm). I never got help for it, it never got recognized, and it strengthened my belief i don't have one. Perhaps i have one, and people are just ignorant for it.

Perhaps, it is better if i continue to lose weight to get the help i need / deserve (bmi 13-14). Dropping more is better than continouosly living with it without getting help. If i have such a low bmi, i'll get the help i need, and be recognized for it, because yes i might been relapsing, but seeking help is not an option now because I can't (external factors)

at first, i wanted to drop to a bmi of 16-17-18 back, and i'm at this point now, but i want to be even more skinnier, and i mean i don't want to increase my calories intake, if anything i want to decrease it, so now i plan to drop 10 kg's more, perhaps 15 kg more, (45 kg in total, 185 cm) getting to a bmi of 14, perhaps 13, and only than i'll seek help. Now i want to continue to hide it
User avatar
Lakigigar
Posts: 2123
Joined: October 31st, 2015, 6:00 am
Location: Belgium
Contact:

#1039

Post by Lakigigar »

What I could do is, try again sending an e-mail to that help desk, saying i have no access to money (and why) and tell in short what happened since the last time they directed me... and ask them what my options are.

It's not like i don't want help, i just can't...
User avatar
Lakigigar
Posts: 2123
Joined: October 31st, 2015, 6:00 am
Location: Belgium
Contact:

#1040

Post by Lakigigar »

Also, i feel like it has become some sort of subculture (the ana subculture). Like, i have been a member of myproana and while that site on it's own isn't that bad - however it has some stuff that is questioning like challenges, very open and triggering talk, massive amounts of so-called thinspo, learning people how to follow fasting diets and people giving hints how to hide it and things like that - just like eating disorder central or my pancake addiction (and they got lots of new members because reddit shutted down all ed related content), so now at any point there are more than 1000 people online, but you're directed to more pro ana related content on several sites like secret discord groups i've joined and it's messy there, and i'm in several of them.

Grimes in the past also has been a member, and yeule who clearly suffers from one (see youtube comments, content of some songs, and she's used as thinspo on pro ana sites) but also her discord has ed related content, even topics like cannibalism are included (as well as witchcraft). A numerous amount of discords where i joined had wiccan elements fused with ana behavior and they also incorporate elements of goth subculture. Alice Glass (lead singer from Crystal Castles) same story as well. Nicole Dollanganger also suffered from one, refers to it, self-harm, bdsm, rape in her songs and they all seem influenced by each other (all same music genre, all in the same playlists). Yeulecord is almost entirely full of lgbtq, pansexual and/or girls suffering from ed's from age to 16-22. And one other thing i've noticed, they very often are communist (incl. yeule herself, who outed herself as one in a twitch stream) and it's full of communist memes in that discord. It has a minecraft tab, and there is more communist talk there than minecraft talk, cuz people build a hammer and sickle in blocks on minecraft. (i'm one too though, but why is all of that fused into one subculture?) My mom and dad were wiccans and were in a wicca coven, and learnt to know each other there. (i'm the result - a child born from witches) I feel like i'm predestined to be like that. We're the weirdo's in the family (in an already white trash trailer like family), because everyone in the family incl. my dad thinks i have insane psychic powers because i'm born from 2 witches and my culture taste / behaviour and my desire to become a psychologist re-inforce that idea. My dad also had a relationship with a very well known wicca high priest, and still practices wicca but not in a coven anymore. My cousin ignores me i'm too powerful (my aura lol) and because i'm born on the last day on the mayan tzolkin calendar (lol), and therefore i am special both in a healing way or a destructive one.

Many movies are known for their thinspo elements. The Neon Demon is a famous one. If i ever watch that movie again if i'm recovered it might trigger me again.
Post Reply