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Getting Healthy: Support and Discussion

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Lakigigar
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#1041

Post by Lakigigar »

I'm sorry i ranted / vented that much. But at least now you might understand it better. I think this will be something that haunts me for the rest of my life. And my life story sounds crazy, but there are people whose story sounds even crazier, and probably a lot of them, and perhaps they do a better job in building their lives decently. Well i can't and i'm pretty much exhausted at this point.
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#1042

Post by blocho »

Laki -- Yours is a very sad, very compelling story. I don't really know what to write in the face of so much suffering other than offer my sympathy and support, which I am sure goes for the rest of the forum as well. I hope you can take some pride and comfort in knowing that you have come so far from your worst moments.
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#1043

Post by Lakigigar »

thank you very much. I appreciate that.
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mightysparks
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#1044

Post by mightysparks »

:hug: I don’t know what to say but don’t feel sorry about venting here, that’s a lot of stuff to deal with and we’re here to support you :hug:
"I do not always know what I want, but I do know what I don't want." - Stanley Kubrick

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St. Gloede
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#1045

Post by St. Gloede »

That's all I can say as well. :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
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AdamH
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#1046

Post by AdamH »

I'm glad you used this space to post how you are feeling and some things from the past. Please feel free to post again like this if it helps you. I think it is difficult to find helpful words to reply with but people are reading and we do support you and I am glad you shared. I'm sorry to hear about everything and I wish I could find something more helpful to say.

PM me if you want to move these posts.

:hug:
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#1047

Post by matthewscott8 »

Lakigigar wrote: January 18th, 2021, 8:59 am I'm sorry i ranted / vented that much. But at least now you might understand it better. I think this will be something that haunts me for the rest of my life. And my life story sounds crazy, but there are people whose story sounds even crazier, and probably a lot of them, and perhaps they do a better job in building their lives decently. Well i can't and i'm pretty much exhausted at this point.
Treatments for mild depression are simple, sleeping 8 hours every night, at the same time, eating a balanced diet, refraining from alcohol and other narcotics, exercising, being outdoors in nature as much as possible, avoiding thinking about oneself (depression is literally a fixation with thinking about yourself). A lot of your efforts to be happy seem to revolve around dopamine, but dopamine is one of 4 types of chemical happiness and you are missing the others. Endorphin is from exercise, oxytocin from love, serotonin from living well / adulting. Mashing away at the dopamine button all the time is really damaging.

The silver bullet for hitting all 4 buttons is a dog, assuming you have no allergies or trauma related aversion to dogs.

This may feel too normie / unsophisticated for you, but it's how you can stay alive, and life is good. Take it from me, I suffered from depression for 15 years, and am over it now.

Starving yourself can have long term consequenes, my cousin had a stroke at age 30 related to her eating disorder as a 20 year old.

If you're self harming or thinking of suicide you need to see a professional. A lot of people are doing ketamine therapy now which is a ray of hope. And remember the longer you survive the more new treatments there are. Ketamine works because it stops self-awareness, whilst on it you become a creature of pure perception, like most animals. Thinking about yourself all the time is very dangerous. That's why your rant is alarming. Don't take this as a cue to do ket recreationally.
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#1048

Post by Lakigigar »

I don't seem to gain whatever I try to do. I eat a lot to the extent people think i'm greedy with food... Some already said like how do you manage to stay so thin while eating so much... They don't understand. They don't get it.

In terms of self-harm, i still from time to time find blades that i did hide two years ago, so occassionally i find some blades, esp. if i have to move stuff (which i'd done a few weeks ago)... so if i want to self harm i can... I'm not doing it, it's just a safety measure for me, like it calms me down to know that if i want to, i can but that i don't necessarily am going to do it, just that the option is there.
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#1049

Post by Lakigigar »

In february i gained (slightly) like 2 kg i think? (it could have been water weight), but I lost it all and i lost additional weight on top of that. I've noticed my eating habits have become worse, esp. in the last two weeks i eat way less than before that, where I felt like i continued to binge and binge (luckily during meal times, but big meals, but i didn't eat on top of that). It resulted in stagnation of very slight weight gain within the MoE. But now i eat a bit less because i feel like i have less desire in food again now.

The good thing is yes i feel way too fat at times, but i don't think it influences my eating behaviour. Because everytime i eat i feel guilty, however i still do it, so that's not the issue i think. It just like with many things, i avoid things, i procrastinate, i'm like yeah sure i'll lose weight in the future but not now, but still i lose unintentional weight, but perhaps i'm unintentionally losing weight because my deep unconscious wants it? Also, it feels so good to lose weight in the sense that I just like it so much that when i start losing weight i want to lose even more weight, so in a way for me weight loss is actually a trigger for disordered eating...

I think my sleep cycles also influences my eating. When i go later to bed, and also wake up later or when i still wake up at the same time, i feel tired, so what happens either i still have no cravings for food in the afternoon or after i wake up, so i eat way less, while I still eat not enough in the evening. I have no breakfast. I eat no candies, no cookies, no chocolate, no beer, no sugary drinks, no additional sugarbombs (also because I avoid them for some reason, as i see them as unsafe, because i've ordered myself to do that, years ago).

During march the times i forgot to eat have increased as well. I also think ridicilous amounts of non-sugary fluids (it's like 4 to 6 litres each day, normally a human drinks 1,5 liter of water everyday).
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#1050

Post by Lakigigar »

I still do have low weight... But I think I really do have some kind of body dysmorphic disorder, because I compared myself to someone else, and I said that person I was talking about look very thin and was lying about his weight, since he is less huge than while having the same weight, while those people told me i look much thinner than him... and it doesn't seem like that's totally the case... I look much fatter than him, although the pure metrics however indicate that i'm much thinner than him...

Still seem to (slightly) lose more weight at this point... Perhaps it's because i drink so much water or other fluids... (like obsessively). I drink almost 4/5 litres a day... and I also feel like I eat much more than what I probably eat in a single day. Perhaps my disordered eating behavior has become so normal to me, that i just don't see there is an issue anymore. Not sure, although other people say that I eat too much.

But how can I eat too much, while I look super thin to them???
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#1051

Post by mjf314 »

Lakigigar wrote: April 10th, 2021, 7:57 pm But how can I eat too much, while I look super thin to them???
Are you trying to gain muscle? If so, then you need to lift weights. Just eating a lot isn't enough.
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#1052

Post by mightysparks »

Probably not eating as much as you think you are.

I put on 10kg last year and I haven’t been able to lose it yet. I’ve been super stressed the last few weeks with uni and have been drinking and binge eating almost every night. I feel disgusting and I can’t stop lol. I’ve also managed to stick to strength training for about 5-6 weeks now. I have to clean up my diet but I can feel I’m getting stronger. I’m just doing Fitness Blender programs because I find it much easier and more enjoyable than just counting reps alone. I finished Strong last week and I just completed week 1 of Flex and Booty. I haven’t been able to stick to traditional strength training for more than 2-3 weeks. My dumbbells range from just body weight, 2kg, 3kg and 5kg so I’m still pretty weak. But I’ve noticed my wrists in particular are getting better and I haven’t had any RSI issues in a while. I also could only do incline push-ups when I started and now I can do a few on my knees again. I’m still struggling with glute activation but I’m trying my best.
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Lakigigar
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#1053

Post by Lakigigar »

mightysparks wrote: April 11th, 2021, 12:04 am Probably not eating as much as you think you are.
Perhaps yes... but I feel like i'm trying to avoid / acknowledge that I do have some issues, and it helps in eating... but "relapse" is never far away, i guess. I'm not even sure whether I do have an eating disorder (or more accurately had one). I'm quite sure I have body dysmorphia though... but I hate myself so strongly, i don't think I even care much that I have too much weight. I don't pursue what I like anymore. I don't pursue what I desire anymore. I don't even know what I want anymore. What I do know is that I idealize a slimmer body, but that I also idealize healthier non-sugary non-meat based diets (perhaps intermittent fasting as well). And maybe it's because fasting will make me a more spiritual person. Grimes used to do this as well, and she went into more hypercreativity episodes. At the end, i always hope this will be how I end. Death by starvation. The only thing I lack is discipline to maintain a lower diet... because i'm failing in that aspect, which makes me even feel more horrible (IIRC this is how my self-harm started).

A psychologist says starving myself is another way to harm myself (or do self harm). It's even my more comfortable way or the way i'm getting more used to it. When I failed to control myself with not eating, i started cutting myself. Right at the point that for the first time in like years or decade, i started to gain weight, i started to cut to cope with that issue, which is a more direct way of harming yourself.

Although the way self-harm started was partially because of a girlfriend who recommended it to me to do it only once because it makes you feel better, but she didn't cut deep, and also because I roamed on eating disorder websites and partially the subforums around self harm. When i did it at first, it barely scratched or opened my skin. That girlfriend told me i had to rub it over and over and over and over while pushing pressure to my body... which I did, but it created scrapes instead of cutting wounds, which were annoying and it did hurt...

But for some reason i looked for something different, and i found razor blades... I tested them once and i saw that they make almost instaneously gaping wounds. The first time i tried was somewhere in my legs (very upwards). It wouldn't take long, before i used it in my arms, but I don't know what triggered me, but after making a few baby cuts to stabilize myself more (which is what I always do). Baby cuts do stabilize me, as they decrease the way I shake before i make a cut, and as they already release some natural painkillers before you cut, and I still don't feel happy, than I cut deeply, by using lots of force or by doing it gently and rubbing it over the same area again and again... The first time I got hospitalized was the moment self-harm nearly killed me... I think I used a lot of force to open up a wound in my upper arm, but than extremely surprisingly i hitted a blood vessel (i don't know what one)... and large amounts of blood were periodically ejected out of my body, like during a beat, and it was like a blood fountain. The blood went upwards instead of downwarts, and it was literally like i was emptying all of my blood at that time.

I've never seen something like that, and I was quite shocked. I was like: "what the fuck did i do". How could this even happen so easily. It wasn't a suicide attempt. I really thought it was done. I was 100% sure I would be dead which is a strange feeling, because i've read stories if you open up an arterie you're a dead man. I looked up on the internet what to do... I probably messaged some people I chat sometimes with (but that i don't know in real-life), asking them what to do. Normally you would use a tourniquet or call emergency services, two things i didn't do, because deeply inside i was scared but also deeply inside i didn't want to. I was actually ready to die. I was like: "this is the chance of my life" (very ironic and dark i know). At that time i felt euphoria and ecstacis, like my whole experience got really different (i was in some kind of trance), a trance-state no other real life hard drug has ever been able to replicate. I can't properly explain it... but like it was 1000 times more powerful than xtc what happened than (and i've done XTC). XTC in retroperspective is kinda weak. That was weak. I liked it, but i have no incentive to take it more (same for LSD or weed or whatever drug). I definitely rate all of my self harm experiences above drugs at this point.

And what made it even more weird, is that all pain and worries were gone. You're literally bleeding to death, and all of your worries, anxieties, emotional pain, physical pain is gone. You're devoid of that. Only happy emotions... If i died at that moment, and i went to heaven, and God would ask me what is your nicest experience, i would say: "only 10 minutes ago man. Also i want to note women are superior FYI", even if it meant i had to go to hell.

I don't know how I survived it. Last thing I knew is that I collapsed and passed away, and hitted my head on a closet. And I woke up six hours later. I still don't know what happened, but it was clear i lost an insane amount of blood, as i had dangerously low blood pressure and had to recover 2 to 4 weeks to be fit again... In the days after the event, i just slept almost an entire day. I also had to take blood supplements to take more iron and my blood pressure was around 8 over 4 with low heartrate too.

But all i wanted was to replicate the experience again, so whatever i did, multiple times a week i started cutting and preferrably deep (first baby cuts to stabilize, then deep), even in psychiatry i did this (in closed departments). For some reason i also was full of blood after self harm events that lasted a while. That "while" was always for how long i could think about something else... it was my get-away, to get away from the real world... I would hit arteries a few times after that, but never as bad as the first time, and i am sure it was the arterie, because doctors already write: "arterial bleeding" in their reports", so i think that it's even hard to die from an arterial bleeding at this point.

that was when my mental health issues were terrible, absolutely god damn terrible... and i'm not sure that they're better now... I just don't do it anymore right now. My hands still function as of now, i'm not sure why, because at times the cuts were pretty nasty and deep, although there were other people that had even worser cuts (on the sites i frequently checked). Just check: coldnessinmyheart if you want some real gore.

It is such a powerful thing, because it alters your experience, and it replaces all your bad stuff (everything you hate to think about it) with something more pleasurable. I think it's also (initially) a cry for help. "I'm cutting myself, so for god's sake just to show how bad i feel", something in that sense. But it's the transcedecental experiences and the fact that you're part of a group (unintentionally) or that you can identify with a label (like i'm a gothic, you're a gothic, we can relate, but in this case it was i'm a self harmer, you're a selfharmer, we can understand each other). Something that is frequently happening, since I also used to be on pro-ana sites and pro-ana discords and the latter was even more edgy than the first if unmoderated. Part of it is that i didn't care anymore about the scars (i still don't), because those scars aren't gonna make the difference whether my body is beautiful or not (body dysmorphia again is a real killer). I even liked the aesthetics of blood on my arms (or legs or whatever place), but the arms were my go-to-comfort place (not the wrists though, i cutted more upwards usually).

People say you're gonna regret it, you're gonna regret it... I haven't literally regret it a single second in my life. I do regret a lot of things in my life. An insane lot of things, but nothing that has something to do with self-harm tbh. I - yes - hide my scars at all times, because yes i feel embarrassed about them (but about everything in my body), which is i don't go outside a lot anymore... covid actually made it socially acceptable to stay inside your home, but it makes it more of a prison. It usually already was. Social anxiety is a prison, and tight covid measures will let people experience is what social anxiety is: "like that they want to do some fun things, because they can't". In my case social anxiety is probably unjustified, because I hated myself so much (or was so critical of my body, and my looks) that I projected every person would think the same way about me, and for that reason i didn't want to go outside anymore or go outside, because i always feel like everyone is looking at me, judging me, and thinking inside that person looks ugly or that person is whatever.
. Of course part of this is probably caused by child and sexual abuse and part of it was bullying, another part of it is gender dysphoria (which is probably also why i started developing ed-related problems i believe). But if i was a nice looking girl i wouldn't have the social anxiety anymore.

I created mainly my social anxiety and self-hatred because I was a man instead of a girl, but i never realized that before (or not often, give it some thoughts while not further thinking about it). And in reality i know you can't change anything about it. You can't become a woman. You can only become a trans, not a woman. Also the fact that I still fall in love with woman also suggests i might be a male hetero, but perhaps i'm a transsexual lesbian who knows :lol: or perhaps even more accurately asexual transgender. Although i'm not really sure about sexual orientation, because I always associated it with sexual abuse and huge anxieties. Masturbation is something more painful, and that's not something you want to go to a doctor for. But it's always been quite painful, and i've never been to a doctor for it, because i'm way too embarassed about it (and it only makes me think about my mother even more). I don't like to talk about it. I've always thought reincarnation was the only hope for me, so instead of operation, i wanted death and being reborn. Also since it's obviously more than this, and because I feel like 25 years are literally gone of my life, and i'm not sure what the other 50 years can offer... Were those 25 years worth it??? Totally not!!!

I hate how euthanasia isn't legalized... because the only reason i haven't killed myself, is because there's no easy way out. I survived literally arterial bleedings??? Like how can you even die. I'm like an invincible terminator unable to terminate myself.

Everytime i look at a woman, i compare myself to her and it's like: i want such a body, i want that hair, i want this"... yes. Like Elle Fanning in The Neon Demon (l). But I realize i would never want to have sex with her, i just want her body and her hair, and perhaps the whole setting, be her at that time and freeze the time, because i don't want it to go away.

yes i don't know, that's how i feel. It's likely sooner or later i'll probably try to kill myself or relapse in whatever, or perhaps i'll go the route of coldnessinmyheart and do even more horrible self harm... but i don't want to be in belgium anymore when i do that, i just want to be alone in the nature like on a castaway island or in the middle of the jungle, and than cutting myself, away from civilization. That's always how i imagined my end... I idealize the whole setting, the rain, the greenery, the zooming insects, the warmth. If the cuts do not end this, the infections will, so yeah, that's why i'm planning on saving money after covid is over, go into the amazon forest... and do it that way (away from civilization, not being able to be rescued), and at least having the experience of setting foot in the amazon, which i wouldn't trade for something else.

And if that's not possible, and it's not possible to end myself through cutting, i also thought about cutting that much that at least i lose enough blood (which is not hard actually, cutting an arterie is much harder), collecting the blood, and drinking it, because i'm not sure if a body can handle that much toxic... I accidentally drunk some blood before, because during one of my self harm experiences, i was drinking beer (and probably some blood went into it), and it actually didn't taste that bad after all. I sometimes also lick blood from my body (or sweat as a kid). But how much blood drinking can a body handle.

Although i've read about it and some people with severe sh, develop auto-vampirism symptoms. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autovampirism although it's quite rare...
Last edited by Lakigigar on April 11th, 2021, 4:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Lakigigar
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#1054

Post by Lakigigar »

this is why Werner Herzog's documentaries appeal to me... he makes documentaries about unusual person sometimes being deranged... but that in some ways I admire however (think Grizzly Man), but also this scene from Encounters of the End of the World is remarkable, this is how i feel. In this case it's about a deranged penguin rather than a deranged human, but the way he looks back at his colony shows that more is going on... And herzog's voice actually completely finishes off this scene.



Two other documentaries that I found interesting because they deeply inside go about: "what's the meaning of life, and how do you fill it in", like in "The King of Kong" but also "Searching for Sugar Men". And for some reasons they always are so appealing those documentaries.
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#1055

Post by sol »

Dude. :(

viewtopic.php?p=637889#p637889

Please talk to us before you try anything that you might not be able to undo.
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#1056

Post by blocho »

Laki -- I feel like you've written before about getting professional help for some of your difficulties. Would you consider doing so again? You're dealing with a lot of pain, and it may feel like that pain presents an unsolvable problem. But getting the right kind of help may ease some of that pain.
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#1057

Post by Lakigigar »

I literally live in a co-housing project for people with psychiatric issues. Every week i have a conversation, i had today another conversation. I'm unable to say that I feel really depressed (partially because it was so early in the day and i was just awake), but i get however some criticism of how I stay awake until 1.30am in the morning and that i'm no looking for voluntary work even though i've sent an e-mail this friday (and they're going to call me tuesday), while all others have no said no because of covid measures. And while i have stated enough times that i'm planning on studying again in september.

They just don't understand me. They think i'm bored all the time... while i love movies, films, games and that kind of stuff or just lurking on the internet most of the time. I've said how I act currently with psychiatric issues is like similar to how something calls me and i just don't answer the phone. I treat my depression the same way, and this is what at the end works best for me. Ignoring it.

I've said that my sleep rhythm is much better than years ago... and that people shouldn't force myself into something i can't do, and that will mess up my rhythms. Like 5 years ago, i used to be awake until 4am at average... She asked did i feel worse than. I've said about the same as now. Than she asked when was the last time I was happy. And I said i didn't want to dig into the past, because nothing good comes out of it, but that the true answer is never and that I probably never experienced something like happiness, and that I don't even know what it is, and at this point, i also don't want to know anymore. Even as a 10 year kid, i already wanted to commit suicide. I hoped it would ever go away, but it never would.

At this point, i'm quite angry with her... If this is how other people envision: "seek help" than I say no to that. Help only made things worse, far more worse. And it doesn't even matter what institution, what nurse, whatever kind of help it is, nothing at this point has improved it, it rather made it worse (including medication).

If i'm going to commit suicide, nobody is going to be able to stop me, and i don't even sure if it's ethically correct if other humans try to do so. If that is what I want, why should other people even "try" to prevent it. That feels unethical to me. The western world isn't as liberal or as democratic as some of you might think.

If there's one thing bothering me, it's for feeling like a coward, for not having commited suicide before (or failed attempts).
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#1058

Post by Lakigigar »

I regret a lot of things in my life, self-harm is not one of them, if i could do it again, i would do it again. I don't regret the scars. I'm more "proud" of it, because they make me whoever I am, and i am not concerned about looks, but I also see them as a very private thing, i don't want to be judged on them, so that's why i hide them at the end. I see them as a thing that is part of me, not a part of others and where others have business with.

What do I regret not instead? Well, i would be different as a child, perhaps more friendly and fighting for values I believe in and making everyone feel welcome, i guess. Taking a stronger stance against bullying is one thing. But also taking much more risks as a child, which I didn't do. There are numerous things I regret. Less regretting things i've done, more regrettings things i haven't done... I also would probably have ran away for a long time if i was 14 again. I would literally run away, and go into france, so i couldn't be found, without a cellphone or anything you can be tracked with, and not with a debit card either (because you can be tracked too). Not a lot of money. I know how to steal things from shops or how to beg for food easily so that wouldn't been the issue. Nowadays people throw a lot of food away, so that is not an issue either. You're not going to die from food that it's expiration date has passed. At the end people find ways to survive, and if they don't, i guess it ain't the worst thing either. And I don't care much about comfort, although i would certainly go towards warmer areas, and most likely either very crowded areas or very remote areas, so i can live relatively undetected, either being a grey person in a mass, or not being seen at all. My ultimate dream is living in a rainforest (or castaway islands).

At least i would have some adventure and some freedom and i would fucking love it.
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#1059

Post by Lakigigar »

Like i am certainly looking to be in a constant state of euphoria, but al lot of it is illegal... or people don't understand how it works. I have music-induced euphoria, drug-induced euphoria (which is weak), dream-induced euphoria, fasting-induced euphoria, exercise-induced euphoria and pain-induced euphoria. To me discovery and exploration is what drives me most I think. Curiosity also, but mostly curiosity with regard to discovery and exploration and perhaps also experience, but more inclined towards exploration. Watching movies is one aspect in that. It's a curiosity towards certain movies, associated with discovering, exploring and experiencing it, but they've to offer something. I'm more of an "experience-based person".

Fasting has also been proven to work like: "Fasting has been associated with improved mood, well-being, and sometimes euphoria. Various mechanisms have been proposed and possible applications in treating depression considered.", which is why I love it.

But mostly euphoria state of self harm is extremely rich. On the wikipedia of scarification which i'm considering (making art of my scars). If you're going to do it anyway, well better create some art with it, i guess. I could link some life experiences towards it and mark it on my body (like tattoo's, but i prefer scarification instead of tattoo's, because I like it aesthetically more). "Endorphins can be released in the scarification process that can induce a euphoric state."

In terms of how I experience life, i can actually not relate to European history... I more relate to precolumbian civilizations, african civilizations, some aspects in eastern asian & indian civilization & southeastern asian cultures, inuits, celts, aboriginals, as well as perhaps early nordic culture, which translates towards neopaganism today (wiccan), not because I want to be a witch or so, but because I identify much more with it than all monotheistic religions. At the end i wouldn't consider myself to be truly religious, just to be a more spiritual-inclined atheist.
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#1060

Post by Lakigigar »

One psychologist once suggested me i also fast and purge for self-harm, which I guess is sort of true. Me having lower weight perhaps is a nice benefit of it. But i love purging and fasting for other reasons, although deep cutting has a different euphoria i like much more. If this is true, i probably already started self harm when I was 13 years old, around 12 years ago.

But cutting is my main act now. I have easily over 500 visible scars (perhaps more, but a lot of them faded away, or are unnoticeable because they are obscured by other scars), which makes it hard to know the true amount, but i'm certain i made over 500 cuts, i'm probably around 10.000-20.000 cuts in total partially i sometimes went crazy with baby cuts (like 500 little cuts very close next to each other in one session). But those baby cuts aren't the issue. It's the deeper and larger cuts. I also lost count of how many stitches i had, but i guess i can count those too, although some also faded away. I'm seeing more stitch scars than I expected so it's probably easily around 50-100 stitches, and in reality it might be double the amount of it, because i have had like 15 hospitalizations and almost everytime i needed stitches... I also didn't stitch every gaping wound, because I didn't saw the point after a while. After a while, i've heard stories of people who stitch their own wounds by theirselves... and since lately, i've not been anesthetized for stitching wounds (and don't see the issue why i need to be anaesthetised), i'm considering that route when it ever happens again, since it's quite easy to stitch yourself, but you need some force to go through the skin. That way i don't bother GP's anymore, because i really don't want to bother them anymore, for something i do to myself, and it's cost-effective too.

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Look, it's even getting in. This is Grimes' her new tattoo. You can't even see the difference between it being scarring or it being a white tattoo. Perhaps scarification is getting mainstream into woke culture.
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#1061

Post by sol »

The tattooing comparison that your bring up certainly has some merit, though I guess the biggest difference is that a tattoo would usually be done by a professional under good health conditions. I would be worried about risk of infection or cutting too deep with the self-harm that you are describing. And is there no emergency free health service in Belgium? If the doctors' bills concern you, I would try to find another way to have a professional attend to your wounds too. There's just too many things that could go wrong.

As you've said yourself, you might not be depressed. It generally sounds to me that you are just seeking 'something else' in life, some way of feeling or experiencing something beyond the mundanity of it all. I would rule out the suicidal talk, because that's a way to stop feeling anything altogether. The key is to find something that will keep making you feel something every day. If not certain substances, maybe certain films, maybe certain outdoor activities (not that I'm sure how much you can do in Covid circumstances) but something. I suppose I get enough of my 'feel something' need myself from the various out-there movies that I watch. Maybe go through that neon-cinema list that I recommended to you? I love neon; it just awakens such wonder and awe within me. Or maybe psychedelic cinema is more your thing.

But yeah, any film recommendations - mood, neon, machoism themes, whatever - let me know if you want some recommendations of films that might cause you to feel something. To me, that seems a safer way of getting that "something more" out of life, and luckily you have a few hundred film lovers here who will happy to discuss any such films with you afterwards.

Or, if you just want to post screenshots, you can always troll one of PdA's screenshot dump threads. ;)
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#1062

Post by Onderhond »

@Lakigigar: if you're looking for more purple neon films, check out Come True.
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#1063

Post by Lakigigar »

Onderhond wrote: April 12th, 2021, 4:36 pm @Lakigigar: if you're looking for more purple neon films, check out Come True.
thank you! :)

and thanks Sol.
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#1064

Post by Lakigigar »

sol wrote: April 12th, 2021, 4:24 pmAs you've said yourself, you might not be depressed. It generally sounds to me that you are just seeking 'something else' in life, some way of feeling or experiencing something beyond the mundanity of it all.
I've been thinking about and yes I think this is certainly an issue. I just don't like mundanity at all, and i even think it is shaping my ideology and my politics / policy views, but also my personality and my interests... It's certainly something interesting you have brought up, although it won't be the only reason. And the fact that i'm too mundane and don't act on my hunches, might be why I feel depressed.

Apparently there were talks in my co-housing members that we eat way too unhealthy (which is weird since I lose weight with it). But apparently there are going to be some diet changes, and i've said that if we start to change our diet, i'd rather completely cut meat of it, and they're going to support it... Those losses of calories i've to get from somewhere else though. Our evening meals will be different too with less calories, and we need to eat more vegetables and salads...

But for some reason i feel like that person absolutely triggered me today... and doesn't understand what i've been going through in the past, but somewhere I also think changing my diet will make me more happy, and now I want to start intermittent fasting again, skipping evening meals altogether, just eating meals in the afternoon without snacks, just vegetables, a meat replacer (or perhaps not idc) and some potatoes or whatever. It feels like she triggered me to go into disturbed eating behavior again. The problem is i never told her i have had eating disorder (or perhaps i had one, not sure), because I genuinely was unsure about was it ever severe enough or so, because i don't think so, and i'm not seeing the issue right now. But she certainly doesn't know this is a sensible topic. My psychiatrist however told me they suspected in psychiatry i had an eating disorder and some psychologist said i certainly had one, but actually i'm very confused right now about what to think. The reason why they didn't change anything about it, was because they focused on my self harm addiction and depression instead of the "disordered eating" i experience, because the psychiatry wasn't qualified to deal with eating disorders, and this is why they didn't change anything about it, because they weren't qualified. That is what they told me back in psychiatry (with my ridicilous fasting in hospital, which is easy because of all the terrible food in hospital).

But i'll see.
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#1065

Post by mightysparks »

I do intermittent fasting and the Reddit sub explicitly says people with eating disorders are not welcome there so I'm not sure that seems like a great idea. Intermittent fasting is still about getting the right amount of calories in your day, it's just about controlling your eating and your eating window, not just skipping meals. I think you're just getting stuck with the wrong people and are unlucky with psychiatrists.
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#1066

Post by sol »

I don't know enough about you, Laki, to determine whether you have any eating disorder or not, but I would definitely not recommend eating when you're not hungry. If you're skipping meals because you're not hungry, I guess that's okay, provided that you don't feel unwell or out of energy as a result. If you're skipping meals purely for the "fasting-induced euphoria" you described earlier on, there might be other ways to break the mundanity (out-there music; even more out-there movies, maybe games) that won't negativity affect your energy levels. I don't know if you're big into gaming, but you might enjoy the mental challenge of playing something like chess online, I don't know, I've sometimes "lost myself" for a couple of hours, just playing chess game after chess game online, looking for that one game where I can try something wild/crazy and catch my opponent off-guard. It usually doesn't work because I don't think it all through, but sometimes you can knock enough time off their clock etc.

All well. Good luck with it all and keep us informed.
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#1067

Post by Lakigigar »

In terms of getting healthy, i'm finally deciding to stop smoking. I can't enjoy it anymore, so why do it anytime longer. I also decided to run more again (and heavier), esp. since i will stop smoking. I also finally had the courage to say myself that i will step over to a vegetarian diet, while also including intermittent fasting (so i'll eat in the afternoon).

Currently starting at a weight of 64kg. I'm curious how this will impact my weight. Currently i have a BMI of 18.7, so i'll keep you update about my weight evolution. Last year around this time my BMI was 24.3! :p
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#1068

Post by St. Gloede »

Cutting smoking is a really good choice (I would personally certainly struggle with cutting out meat tho, luckily I never picked up smoking).

However, are you sure dieting is a safe and healthy move?

The index I found at NHS labels BMIs from 18.5 to 24.5 as healthy, so please be careful to not go down further: https://www.nhs.uk/common-health-questi ... index-bmi/. If anything perhaps you should consider putting on weight, or at least maintaining the weight you are currently on.
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#1069

Post by Lakigigar »

The issue is this

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This is the best running session I ever had... I don't know what I did back than, but I can't do this anymore today... I'm trying to get back to that, but the fact that i've been able to do this, and never seem to get that level again, is what discourages me for physical activity, because this is mindblowing and every running session seems so dissatisfying for me if you compare it to this, which is alienating for someone like me.

I barely trained back than... I probably only ran for about 1 to 2 months. I did have my heart rate issues, spleen issues and low blood pressure rates. I also only was able to get to this pace at night. This is some session i started at 00.23AM. For some reason i feel much better at night physically, much stronger both mentally and physically, and even in my running sessions you see that on average i ran about 3 to 4 km/h slower during suntime than during nighttime. It might have something to do with wind speed. I don't know.

I smoke cigarettes now. I didn't back than. But even than... it's still mindblowing. I'm planning to stop smoking cigarettes.

When I ran this, i also had a BMI of low-end 16. I was malnutritioned back than and was in an eating disorder phase. I usually have much more physical activity during disordered eating phases, and in 2015 i wasn't really bulimic, this was quite sure an anorexic phase. Whenever i lost weight, i felt much more energy.

But it might be a psychological thing, a joy-kind of thing, an euphoria-kind of thing that enables me to do things like this.
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#1070

Post by Lakigigar »

I've read something I shouldn't have read... but seriously, i want to do it.

From what i've read, it's more dangerous than self-harm (which already did cost my life). It's actually a method of self-harm, but on top of it, it's algo a purging method, one of the best suicide attempt methods i've ever read, and I also think that slightly doing it, might actually relief my smoking addiction symptoms. It could perhaps also give me the 'euphoria' i need to seek.

I will probably start doing it somewhere next week.

EDIT: I was planning it on tuesday, which is 20 april... Weirdly enough. I did both my suicide attempts (the accidental one and the planned one) on the same day just 5 years later. 20 april 2014 and 20 april 2019...

It seems like this period is rough for me.
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#1071

Post by St. Gloede »

Lakigigar wrote: April 15th, 2021, 11:55 pm I've read something I shouldn't have read... but seriously, i want to do it.

From what i've read, it's more dangerous than self-harm (which already did cost my life). It's actually a method of self-harm, but on top of it, it's algo a purging method, one of the best suicide attempt methods i've ever read, and I also think that slightly doing it, might actually relief my smoking addiction symptoms. It could perhaps also give me the 'euphoria' i need to seek.

I will probably start doing it somewhere next week.

EDIT: I was planning it on tuesday, which is 20 april... Weirdly enough. I did both my suicide attempts (the accidental one and the planned one) on the same day just 5 years later. 20 april 2014 and 20 april 2019...

It seems like this period is rough for me.
You are talking about wanting to get fit, quitting smoking, etc. and now you are speaking of suicide - and as a way to reach your health goals? The risk is far too high. There are endless ways to reach euphoria, quit smoking and finding some kind of satisfaction that does not include suicide. The only thing I can say is please don't do it and please speak to someone/get additional help. This is a really horrifying place you are in.

Why not set up a running regiment, perhaps find others, and aim for beating your record - with a slow, clear progression - maybe even some checkmarks. ;)
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#1072

Post by sol »

I thought we already covered this re: suicide, but to re-emphasise, suicide is a way to stop feeling anything at all. Ever again. What you actually want though is a way to constantly keep feeling that euphoria, to break up that mundanity, and I don't think suicide solves that for you. I mean, there might be a momentary high, but it will only be a momentary one. I'd look for something that can make you feel high/euphoric/alive on a regular and sustained basis.
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#1073

Post by Coryn »

I'm not a psychologist/psychiatrist so I can only talk from personal experience and it might not be helpful to you but the amount of times I am euphoric is rare, however I'd say I'm 9/10 happy because I find my happiness in smaller things. Good example you show here Laki is the fact you want to run a sub 5min/km 10K. I cycle every day or every 2 days and get a lot of pleasure out of my steady growth in the sport next to the social aspect of it. From what I understand is that you would want to be among the fastest from day one but it simply doesn't work like that. Also from what I understood your weight is way too low to run a sub 5 untrained. When you lose weight at your BMI you are essentially losing muscle and not fat.

That being said it seems like there is more underlying. My general conclusion would be that you set unrealistic goals, many of which are on this forum. You talked about watching an insane amount of movies and you give up after a few weeks because the goal is just too much. This has happened multiple times in the past.

Find something you like to do and do it in moderation.
You like to run ? Go run a 3 or 5K first at moderate pace, you like movies ? Watch one a day and find a genre you like (e.g. neon)
It's all about moderation.
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#1074

Post by Lakigigar »

I really get upset with how caregivers are not being helpful at all, they even make things far worse, incl. all the people who assumingly loved me... Life would perhaps be much easier if nobody loved me at all, because right now people living you seems like a toxic gift. I just want to be left alone... people constantly pressure me doing things i don't want to and feel are not helpful for anyone, especially not me but not for other people.

I don't see why I should do volunteering which I don't seem helpful at all, and if it is required, why would it be called: "volunteering" any time longer. Like i don't get even money for it, and people are not really appreciating of those efforts (like: kevin janssen - a mentally disabled boy of 29 years old being harrassed while doing voluntary work in a nature park).

This world is extremely sick, and i want to get out of it asap. Every minute is currently a struggle... I want it to stop immediately and people have no right to say i don't have the right, because this is not a free country at all: no liberalism, no democracy. And they should stop being hypocrite about that, and blaming other countries for what they're doing theirselves.
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#1075

Post by Lakigigar »

For me it feels like people are begging or pushing me to kill myself. Sometimes i have so many dark thoughts that I think i would do the world a pleasure by killing myself... that i just need to do it, that i don't belong here and never have a place here, and i always feel like people want to exterminate me, take my right to exist away, and that i'm no longer considered a human being according to people whose free will will be respected. That's how I feel. I just want this suffering to be over. Over. Over. Over.
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#1076

Post by blocho »

It must be awful to feel like other people want you dead.

But I hope you know at least that everyone on this forum wants very much the opposite. I feel confident in saying that we all consider you a human being and think you have the right to exist.
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#1077

Post by St. Gloede »

I can verify that!
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#1078

Post by Lakigigar »

blocho wrote: April 28th, 2021, 6:27 am It must be awful to feel like other people want you dead.

But I hope you know at least that everyone on this forum wants very much the opposite. I feel confident in saying that we all consider you a human being and think you have the right to exist.
Yes I know, although I hoped i had some more appreciation from some users... but at least i'm glad with your responses.
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#1079

Post by sol »

Lakigigar wrote: April 28th, 2021, 7:54 am Yes I know, although I hoped i had some more appreciation from some users... but at least i'm glad with your responses.
I hope you realise that you have appreciation from me too, but I'm back and work and can't check iCM all the time. I'm sure that there are other users in that same boat. And you are always welcome to send me a PM if you feel that you need to.

The other thing to perhaps point out is that this isn't the general thread that most folks go to talk about personal issues. I always used to think this was just a healthy eating and exercise thread. Maybe somewhere like the Complaints lounge or somewhere else will get others to notice your messages. I don't think it's matter of other users not appreciating you. More a matter of other users not realising that you're voicing something here.

Keep smiling and watch more neon cinema! ;)

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#1080

Post by Lakigigar »

Yes i understand...

To be honest, i really want to live to be able to get more into art, but it seems like people don't even allow me to do that... just completely overwhelming and overloading myself with nonsense which triggers my depressive and black thoughts, and if i'm not even able or allowed to live like how i want without having a guilt feeling for like not visiting my brother more because he wouldn't even been able to recognize me (despite me not going there in just a month... during covid, knowing very well that i have also two foster moms i don't want to neglect, that there is a covid crisis and that i feel completely overloaded by all the bullcrap she says...). Like i say, in some sense my parents are a white trailer trash family, and i can miss their bullshit easily now (perhaps i need to watch gummo lol)

Like i want to study, what do they do: "you can't do it", and saying all that shit, which indeed makes me doubt myself, but i never get a compliment and THEY KNOW I SELF-HARM MYSELF and you would be kinda dumb to know that people would SH because they feel insanely good and think they're the best... I'm very perfectionist and critical. I already doubt myself much... I just want... to be supported a bit in what I do.

And caregivers are assholes too. I've sent an angry e-mail this night to them... and like that i can't continue this anymore, and if they continue like that, that they shouldn't be surprised if they suddenly discover i'm dead in my room... and that they wouldn't have to say I DIDN'T WARN THEM...

I know at this point i'm not able to do much... i'm probably unable to work, i think so... and even if i don't want to or feel i can't, do i have not a right to live like...

If not, wouldn't it be called slavery?

I've always said it, i'd rather want to be homeless than do something i don't want to... than i wouldn't even have to kill myself, nature would (due to starvation and me being too nice to steal food from shops)... Also disordered eating / regular fasting and being homeless with no money is not really a good combination, i think so. Like i would have less temptation to break fasting, because i wouldn't been able to lol.

And for some reason, only thing i would miss is music, movies and games if i'm homeless. I wouldn't care about all the rest, and i would get something in return: adventure, exploration and freedom. I don't care about comfort, just about having warm, so i'll probably carry a lot about warm clothes around lol, and just travel around the world until i die. Where i would travel i don't know, randomness will bring me wherever i have to be brought by.

I always said that if everyone disappeared except for me, i would have the time of my life, just being alone in this world and discovering everything... oh man that is a dream world. Enough music and movies around to be busy for the rest of their lives, easy access to food, the entire world ready to be explored... perhaps america's will be harder to reach. it would be awesome.
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